I’ve been married for nearly 10 years now. In that time, my husband and I have lived with my mother, barely scraped by on one paycheck, lived below our means with two decent incomes and flipped back to being one-income earners. All of which is to say, we’ve had a lot of practice talking about money and all the ways we deal with finances in our relationship.
To be clear, we’ve also had our share of arguments and hurt feelings over money too. When we first got married, I was the textbook saver and he leaned toward being a spender. I wish we’d had better resources to know not just how to budget, but also how to talk to each other about our budgets so we’d have been better able to understand where the other was coming from.
We certainly weren’t alone in our struggles. A February 2017 study by Ramsey Solutions found that money was the No. 1 issue couples fight about. The study also found that money arguments were the second-leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity.
Why is it so hard to talk about money? “I think one of the big reasons is that we equate our self-worth with our net worth,” says Ashley Feinstein, life coach and owner of The Fiscal Femme.
When we believe our debt or our ability to budget makes us good or bad people, we’re less likely to share where we’re struggling or what we value. And that’s really what money is in many ways: an allocation of values.
Step 1: Start with budgeting for something specific
“I think it’s so important to communicate with each other,” Maggie Germano, a financial education instructor and financial coach, tells SheKnows. “Money is a huge part of life and it really touches on everything. Where you want to go on vacation, that’s a money conversation. Where you want to live, how you want to decorate your home, where and how often you want to go out to eat: all at least, in part, money conversations.”
The good news is these can be excellent low-stakes places to start conversations about cash flow and begin to learn the ways to deal with finances in your relationship.
“It doesn’t have to be like, ‘Let’s lay out our assets and look at all the numbers,’” Feinstein says. “I think it’s fun to start the conversation by dreaming a little bit.”
Talking about your goals and plans for the future, even the ones that don’t necessarily seem to be tied to your investment plans, can be an easy entry point.
Germano, for example, found herself having to have a conversation with her partner early on because he was more of a spender than she was, and she found herself coming close to missing her own personal goals trying to keep up with his spending.
“Get on the same page about how often you want to go out to eat or travel so that one person doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the spending or intimidated or even resentful,” she says.
Step 2: Discuss how and when to merge your accounts
When to start merging accounts is, again, dependent on the couple — though your finances are most likely to start getting tied together when you share a living space or get married. Or you might have a joint goal you’re working toward, like saving for a vacation.
3 Steps to Deal With Finances in Your Relationship, According to Finance Experts
I’ve been married for nearly 10 years now. In that time, my husband and I have lived with my mother, barely scraped by on one paycheck, lived below our means with two decent incomes and flipped back to being one-income earners. All of which is to say, we’ve had a lot of practice talking about money and all the ways we deal with finances in our relationship.
To be clear, we’ve also had our share of arguments and hurt feelings over money too. When we first got married, I was the textbook saver and he leaned toward being a spender. I wish we’d had better resources to know not just how to budget, but also how to talk to each other about our budgets so we’d have been better able to understand where the other was coming from.
