While fun dates, a shared sense of humor, and lots of love will take you far, nothing’s more important than having respect in a relationship. And knowing the signs your partner doesn’t respect you can help you spot a problem before it spirals.
“Respect is an important component of every healthy relationship, yet it’s absolutely critical for the long-term success of a romantic relationship,” Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist, tells Bustle. “When a sense of solid respect is present, partners tend to feel more appreciated, seen, and safe in the relationship. When respect is not present, partners will tend to feel wary, angry, and deeply resentful.”
Disrespect can take many forms, but it typically has the same outcome. Studies have shown that a lack of respect is one of the main predictors of a breakup. And while breaking up is often the best course of action when a partner is rude, disloyal, and uncaring, it may be possible to inspire positive improvements.
As Manly says, “This dynamic can be changed with conscious effort. Respect — like most key principles in relationships — is an attribute and a skill that can be honed with mindful attention.” It might mean pointing out areas that need to change, going to couples therapy together, and — if you’re willing — giving a partner a chance to change.
It’s up to you what happens next. But experts say if you spot any of these signs below, it’s a sign your partner doesn’t respect you, and that means the relationship needs work.
1 Your Partner Ignores Your Boundaries
Healthy relationships are all about establishing and respecting one another’s boundaries. So if a partner repeatedly ignores or tramples all over yours, it’s clear a “lack of respect is at work,” Manly says.
What’s more, boundary-crossing can take many forms, and often gets worse over time. “Whether a partner borrows money and doesn’t return the funds, invades personal space, or engages in unwanted physical advances,” Manly says, none of it should be taken lightly.
2 They Keep Lying To You
There’s a reason why lying is a leading cause of breakups. As Manly says, “Dishonesty is one of the most disrespectful and destructive behaviors in any relationship.” It shows your partner doesn’t care about the impact their actions have on your life, and that they’re only thinking about themselves.
Lying has no place in a respectful relationship, and yet it’s something that’s so easy to brush under the proverbial rug. “People tend to rationalize overt lying or errors of omission,” Manly says, but “dishonest behaviors are indefensible — and always a sign of disrespect.”
3 Your Partner Gives You The Silent Treatment
While everyone’s entitled to a breather when they’re upset, take note if your partner consistently gives you the silent treatment whenever trouble arises in your relationship. Think: shutting down, sulking in another room, or sending your calls to voicemail.
“The silent treatment functions to keep you in suspense of what will happen, and unsure of what you did wrong and how bad it is,” Dr. Fran Walfish, a psychotherapist and author, tells Bustle. It also makes it impossible for you to share your side of the story, which is why it’s considered a form of control.
In fact, this manipulation technique has a name — stonewalling — and according to research from Dr. John Gottman, often means the end of a relationship is near because it’s just so toxic.
4 They Use Your Insecurities Against You
In a relationship, you want to feel safe enough to open up, share deep thoughts, and lean on your partner for comfort and support. So if your partner takes the things you share and throws them back in your face — whether it’s to hurt you, win an argument, etc. — consider it a major red flag.
“When a partner speaks down about you or uses your insecurities and limitations to their advantage, […[ these all are indications that your partner does not have enough respect for you,” Josh Klapow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, tells
