{"id":983,"date":"2025-10-08T15:27:00","date_gmt":"2025-10-08T15:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/?p=983"},"modified":"2025-10-08T15:27:00","modified_gmt":"2025-10-08T15:27:00","slug":"i-told-the-nurse-tie-my-tubes-im-done-i-dont-ever-want-to-do-this-again-i-begged-my-fiance-to-find-another-woman-i-just-cant-do-it-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/?p=983","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I told the nurse, \u2018Tie my tubes. I\u2019m done, I don\u2019t ever want to do this again!\u2019 I begged my fianc\u00e9 to find another woman. \u2018I just can\u2019t do it, I\u2019m sorry.\u2019: Woman births rainbow baby after still birth, 3 miscarriages"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cOn April 2nd, 2019, two days short of being 38 weeks pregnant, my daughter Goldie Rhiannon\u2019s heart had stopped. My womb had turned to a tomb and I had to deliver my beautiful, perfect, silent baby. While many parents going into labor dream up who and what their baby will look like out of the womb, we were crossing our fingers for answers\u2026 some sort of visible explanation of how and why our once perfectly healthy baby girl was gone. Unfortunately, we are left with no answers. Her cause of death was undetermined.<\/p>\n

The night Goldie died I told the nurse, \u2018Tie my tubes. I\u2019m done. I\u2019m done, I can\u2019t do this again; I don\u2019t ever want to do this again!\u2019 I told my fianc\u00e9 Ryan that if he wanted more kids, he could find someone else. In fact, I begged him to find someone else. \u2018If you want kids, you\u2019re going to have to find someone else. Please find someone else. I just can\u2019t do it. I\u2019m done. My body always fails our babies. Something is wrong with me and I just can\u2019t do it I\u2019m sorry.\u2019<\/p>\n

At 18, I miscarried 3 times. In 2016, I became pregnant again. At our 20-week anatomy scan, I found out I had Velamentous Cord Insertion. Here I was, at risk of losing another baby. My sweet Finn Hendrix was born in 2017, healthy and all but still with a complication that made me fearful of losing him my entire pregnancy. Goldie was perfectly healthy. Always measuring ahead, always active, but now she was gone. It had to have been me. It had to have been something I did. \u2018Was it Subway? Could it have been drinking too much Dr. Pepper? Did I bend down too much?\u2019 I knew none of those were the cause. But here I was, blaming myself. I felt like my body had failed me again. I felt like I was failing as a mother. I failed to give Finn a sibling. I was failing as a fianc\u00e9e, our baby died inside my body. \u2018It was my job to keep her safe and I couldn\u2019t even do that!\u2019 I said over and over and over. I wanted out of my body. I wanted a new body, one that worked. One that did what it\u2019s \u2018supposed to do.\u2019<\/p>\n

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2 weeks later, I had a mental health check up with my OB. She told me she knew I wasn\u2019t done having kids. She said, \u2018Your plan was to have a baby and bring a baby home. I know you still want that.\u2019 And I did. I told her I did. I was tired of looking at a nursery full of unused baby things. I was tired of watching our brand-new car seat sit on the kitchen table and collect dust. She told me if my labs came back good, we were good to start trying.<\/p>\n

One week later, they came back clear. We got pregnant on the first try. I remember taking the test just for fun, thinking nothing would come of it. I set it down on the bathroom counter and walked over to Goldie\u2019s picture. I stared for a bit and then walked back over to the test\u2026it was positive. My eyes filled with tears and I clenched it in my hands. I walked back over to Goldie\u2019s picture and \u2018showed\u2019 it to her. How bittersweet this was. I was so excited. A baby! I was getting another chance at a living baby! But those dark thoughts quickly followed. A baby! I was getting another chance, but I knew in the back of my mind this baby could die too. Stillbirth doesn\u2019t discriminate, I knew that all too well. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and called Ryan into the room.<\/p>\n

I handed him my positive test and he was as shocked as I was. He didn\u2019t have words other than, \u2018This is awesome,\u2019 I knew it wasn\u2019t a \u2018thrill\u2019 like the positive we saw with the babies before. We now knew there was no safe zone. We knew this could happen all over again. To get so far only to get so far. The first try. How could the unluckiest people have gotten this lucky? I immediately made an appointment with my OB for the next week. \u2018Back so soon?!\u2019 she laughed as she turned the lights off to start my ultrasound. I could see the worry in her eyes when she sat down.<\/p>\n

\u2018Well, there\u2019s the sac\u2026but I don\u2019t see a heartbeat. It could just be early though\u2026 I\u2019ll have you come back next week.\u2019 I left defeated. I didn\u2019t understand how this could possibly happen AGAIN. The week waiting felt like forever. That week was worth it. A heartbeat. A perfectly healthy baby. We set up my appointments and I was sent over to the High-Risk specialist where they\u2019d monitor my pregnancy to be extra safe. I finally felt a glimpse of hope again. Appointment after appointment everything was looking beautiful. Despite one little scare of a brain cyst, our baby was perfect. We announced on social media very early. We knew safe zones didn\u2019t exist. We wanted to share our joy and excitement! We were flooded with comments of, \u2018Goldie\u2019s going to be a big sis!\u2019 Everyone seemed to share our joy.<\/p>\n

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Early on, and on accident, we found out this baby was a boy! Once again, a bittersweet moment. It meant Goldie was going to be our only girl and her things were going to still go untouched. BUT it also gave me a chance to have more hope. I was able to really separate them. \u2018This is a different baby with a different story and *hopefully* different outcome,\u2019 I kept saying. Month after month, this baby boy grew bigger and stronger. I counted kicks the way little kids count raindrops on a car window. Every second he wasn\u2019t kicking, I was trying not to panic. Visiting Goldie at the cemetery, I would look at spots wondering if I\u2019d be burying this baby too. Pregnancy mixed with grief is HARD. I couldn\u2019t buy stuffed animals, teethers, or things sized past newborn for fear I would jinx something. I googled every single symptom that I thought could be something wrong. I made countless visits to OB triage just to be sure he was still alive. I couldn\u2019t say to anyone, \u2018WHEN he comes home.\u2019 It was only, \u2018IF he comes home.\u2019 My saving grace was knowing I was going to meet him\u2026one way or another.<\/p>\n

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On January 22nd, I walked into the hospital to be induced with my baby boy kicking away. I went into the same labor and delivery doors that I went into 9 months prior to be told that my daughters\u2019 heart had stopped beating. I stopped at the same check in desk to sign in that I did with Goldie. In March 2017, it was a desk where I signed in to officially become a mother. I didn\u2019t know stillbirth existed. In April 2019, it\u2019s the sign in sheet where I became a bereaved mother.<\/p>\n

I signed in alone. I insisted Ryan stay in the car while I got into a room \u2018just in case he had died too.\u2019 I was scared. The nurses knew my prior history and asked if I was okay. \u2018I think so. I just feel like I\u2019m going to throw up.\u2019 \u2018You\u2019re going to leave with a baby this time!\u2019 the nurse said. I mumbled, \u2018I hope so\u2026\u2019 The truth was, I wasn\u2019t okay. I was terrified. I didn\u2019t know if I was going to leave with a baby this time. I wasn\u2019t oblivious to all that could happen this time. I learned this pregnancy that people try to reassure bereaved pregnant mothers by saying we WILL bring a baby home and to speak things into existence. Unfortunately, we know the harsh reality. Despite our prayers, our hoping and wishing\u2026bad things can still happen. After getting checked in, the nurse walked me into a room and my induction process was quickly started. Ryan came in and it felt so surreal all over again. We were smiling. We were laughing. There were no tears. There was a hear monitor! With a living baby\u2019s heart beating!<\/p>\n

The nurses came in and out turning up my sweet boy\u2019s heart monitor because they knew I needed to hear it. It felt like a dream. Shift change was coming up and in walks my night nurse. The same nurse I had with Goldie. The nurse who wheeled me out with my box instead of my baby. \u2018I recognize you!\u2019 she said. I was overcome with emotions yet again. She knew Goldie existed! She saw her! She saw her in real life! Considering only my parents, nurses, and doctors saw Goldie in real life, this was extremely special. Ryan and I were so excited for her to be my nurse again.<\/p>\n

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My contractions were getting closer and closer and I was tired of getting up to pee. I called my nurse and told her I wanted an epidural. In came the anesthesiologist. My nurse held my shoulders and talked me through it. From that moment on, it all was very quick. It was time for shift change again and my nurse was leaving. I will forever be grateful for having her that night. My new nurse came in, who was my nurse when I got there the day before. Sweet as can be. She told me I was dilating quickly, and I\u2019d have a baby by noon\u2026she was right! About 10 minutes before it was time to push, I broke down and started bawling.<\/p>\n

I told Ryan no birth photos just \u2018in case\u2019 he had died too. I texted my mom. \u2018I can\u2019t do this. What if I\u2019m making a mistake? What if Goldie is mad at me? I can\u2019t do this I just can\u2019t!\u2019 My mom assured me Goldie wouldn\u2019t be mad at me and I COULD do this. I took what she said and pulled myself together. I asked Ryan to bring me my makeup bag, perfected my winged eyeliner, and I was ready to push. After about 4 pushes, my doctor told me his cord was wrapped around his neck. I panicked. I was done. No more. I knew there was a chance something could be wrong, but he needed to come out. I just closed my eyes as tight as I could, clenched my teeth, and pushed\u2026<\/p>\n

And out came our screaming, healthy, living baby boy. I had nothing to say. Tears flowed down my face and I just cried along with his cries. There is no cry like the ones that come from your own tears when you birth a silent baby. But there is also no cry like the one you thought you\u2019d never get\u2026<\/p>\n

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9 months later, here we are with our little piece of hope. Amongst the golden pines, we found our Stoney Evergreen. Perfectly picked by his big sis Goldie. We waited nearly 2 years for this. We waited 2 years for screams, for clothes to be used, and to finally use that brand-new car seat. This is our time to finally parent another living baby. We are parents of 3! Even though you can\u2019t see Goldie, we are still parents of 3. For the first time in a long time, I consider us lucky. How lucky we are to get to love 3 perfect babies even with one of those 3 missing from our arms.\u201d<\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cOn April 2nd, 2019, two days short of being 38 weeks pregnant, my daughter Goldie Rhiannon\u2019s heart had stopped. My womb had turned to a<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":994,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/983","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=983"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/983\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":995,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/983\/revisions\/995"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/994"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=983"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=983"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=983"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}