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<\/p>\nOur Surrogacy Journey
\n\u201cI always knew I wanted to be a father.<\/p>\n
However, when I met my late husband Tim in 2007, he expressed on date number three he didn\u2019t. But over time, he came around to the idea, mostly on his own. Soon after getting married in 2010, we went for it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
We did surrogacy, and found this incredible surrogate, Natasia. We put one of each \u2013 an embryo with my sperm, one with his \u2013 and out came a beautiful boy! It was clear Avery was not biologically mine, but Tim\u2019s.<\/p>\n
It was really remarkable to see Tim become a father. For him, a 40-something-year-old, it was a new experience. His senses were heightened. He was incredible. I was almost envious of how amazing he was. It changed his life and ours.<\/p>\n
When Avery was two months old, I was on the couch and Tim came out with him in his arms.<\/p>\n
He said, \u2018Babe, do you know what I\u2019m thinking?\u2019 I was like, \u2018Pizza or Chinese?\u2019 He said, \u2018I think we should have another kid!\u2019 I was like, \u2018What the\u2026 Seriously?!\u2019<\/p>\n
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A Shocking Surprise
\nSo, we went for it again. And this time, we used my goods, right? Well, what happened next was pretty interesting\u2026<\/p>\n
We were clear we didn\u2019t want two more children. We only contracted to put in one. But on the day of the procedure our awesome surrogate Natasia \u2013 and to be clear, our egg donor was different from the surrogate \u2013 literally had her legs in the air when the doctor comes in and says, \u2018OK, I\u2019ve got them!\u2019<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u2018What do you mean \u2018them?\u2019 We only contracted for one!\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Your stuff is not in great condition,\u2019 he replied.<\/p>\n
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I was like, \u2018Clearly there\u2019s something wrong. My stuff is amazing!\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018If you only put in one, there\u2019s only a 15% chance of getting pregnant,\u2019 he explained.<\/p>\n
\u2018What are the chances of twins if we put in two?,\u2019 we asked, to which he replied, \u2018Nil. No chance.\u2019<\/p>\n
So, fast forward 10 weeks. We fly down to Valdosta, Georgia, where our surrogate was. We found out it had resulted in twins! I was like: \u2018Jesus\u2026\u2019 Tim was calm, and I was really nervous.<\/p>\n
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Unexpected Turn For The Worst
\nThe next week, we were back in New York City when Tim went on a business trip to Pennsylvania. It was December 11, 2013.<\/p>\n
He was always my alarm clock wherever we were, whether in bed with me, or traveling around the world. He made the mistake of not getting in touch once; he\u2019d gone out the night before and woken up late and ran into a conference with no reception.<\/p>\n
I was really upset with him. He said, \u2018I promise I\u2019ll never do that again.\u2019<\/p>\n
So I couldn\u2019t understand why he hadn\u2019t connected. My text messages got increasingly more frustrated.<\/p>\n
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I was at a networking wedding event \u2013 I\u2019m a wedding planner \u2013 and got the voicemail. \u2018Hello, this is the police precinct down in Pennsylvania, please give us a call.\u2019 I knew something was wrong.<\/p>\n
I called and a detective came on. \u2018Who is Timothy to you?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018He\u2019s my husband,\u2019 I answered. \u2018What\u2019s going on?\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019m sorry to tell you this,\u2019 he said, \u2018but Tim passed away in his hotel room in his sleep.\u2019 They believed it was a heart attack.<\/p>\n
I just started screaming, \u2018No, no! Tell me this is a joke! Please tell me this is a joke!\u2019 It was crazy. I was obviously out of sorts. Out of my mind.<\/p>\n
I just couldn\u2019t believe it. I just collapsed.<\/p>\n
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Life After Losing My Husband
\nThat period was so intense for so many reasons. In addition to just losing my husband, I only had a week to make the decision as whether to follow through with the pregnancy or not, because he passed away when we were 11 weeks. At 12 weeks, you can no longer decide.<\/p>\n
My initial thought was: \u2018No freaking way.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019m definitely going to abort,\u2019 I thought. \u2018There\u2019s just no way. Who am I to take care of three kids?\u2019<\/p>\n
Ultimately, there were a few things that made me change my mind.<\/p>\n
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One was financial. Once I looked at everything, I was like, \u2018My parents had no money and I came out just fine.\u2019<\/p>\n
What did it for me, however, was Avery, who was 8 months old at the time. I thought, \u2018He just lost his father. What if something bad happens to me?\u2019<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve lost both my parents, and I\u2019m an only child. I grew up in the projects. My father was caught up in drugs, my mother was never strong enough to leave \u2013 it was a very abusive household.<\/p>\n
My father passed away in 1994 at the age of 37 when I was 18. He was HIV positive. Then my mother was 41 \u2013 the age I am now \u2013 and I was 23. It was her heart. That was in 2000.<\/p>\n
It became so obvious. I didn\u2019t want to leave Avery alone in this world.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t want history to repeat itself in any way. I thought, \u2018If anything does happen to me, at least Avery will have these two other human beings connected to him.\u2019 I actually made the decision the morning of Tim\u2019s service to follow through the pregnancy.<\/p>\n
In fact, I announced our pregnancy during Tim\u2019s eulogy. Most people didn\u2019t know we were pregnant. As you can imagine, it caused a very emotional reaction.<\/p>\n
Of course, I was freaking out throughout. Even more so when I found out it was two girls! I was like, \u2018What the heck!? Oh my gosh!\u2019<\/p>\n
I had an order of preference. I\u2019m very OK with saying that two girls were last on that list. My first choice was a boy and a girl. The second was two boys.<\/p>\n
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There\u2019s a stereotype in gay culture \u2013 and obviously, some of it is true \u2013 that we want girls, because we can do pretty things with them. But the reality is, I only knew being a boy. Not only was I having one girl, but two.<\/p>\n
But ultimately, when Lilah and London arrived, something calmed me. I was like, \u2018OK. We\u2019re in this together. Let\u2019s make this work.\u2019 And I have.<\/p>\n
Now I can\u2019t imagine my life without having my two girls.<\/p>\n
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Life As A Single Dad
\nI\u2019ve been in New York City for 20 years; my city family has been my actual family, so along with our incredible nanny, Leti, who had been with us for the first five years, to our new live-in au pair Victoria, there\u2019s no shortage of adopted aunts and uncles around.<\/p>\n
These include Uncle Ryan and Uncle Dave who are not only Godparents, but without fail are here every single weekend to be a constant for them.<\/p>\n
Gay dad with uncles and the children on their shoulders<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been great for the kids. They\u2019re going to grow up and have all kinds of awareness. It\u2019s going to be normal for them to have all kinds of people in their lives.<\/p>\n
They also have cousins in Massachusetts, and we try to see each other as much as possible.<\/p>\n
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I was a single dad for a year and a half. I thought: \u2018Who\u2019s going to date somebody who has kids?!\u2019 Then, I unexpectedly met this other incredible, amazing human being named Alex, a Scottish boy.<\/p>\n
I was like \u2018Wow. This guy is hot, smart, a humanitarian director, he thinks I\u2019m cute\u2026\u2019 I really wanted it to work. But ultimately, although we were together for almost two years, it didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
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Love After Loss
\nWhat was interesting was, actually, the kids ended up being the easiest part of our relationship. It was more us that ultimately weren\u2019t compatible. It took us a while to figure that out.<\/p>\n
We tried really hard to make it work. After a few therapy sessions, we ended it. We\u2019re now friends.<\/p>\n
Since Alex, and after having a few misses with some guys I\u2019ve dated, I found my guy. His name is Pablo. He\u2019s Argentinian with an accent (I can\u2019t escape accents!) A Spanish literature teacher in Harlem. He\u2019s funny, romantic, but complete opposite to me.<\/p>\n
His knowledge of pop music is endearing! \u2018Is this the Janet Jackson you speak of?,\u2019 while Mariah Carey is belting. He has an 18-year-old daughter from a previous marriage so he gets what it is to be a parent. The best part is, my kids are obsessed with Pablo.<\/p>\n
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It\u2019s also interesting because Tim\u2019s not an ex. That\u2019s important. Whoever comes into the picture has to be secure in being aware this person is no longer here. And Pablo is that secure. He has this quiet confidence I find sexy.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s always asking me questions about Tim because he knows to know him more is to know me better. He sees why it\u2019s important for me to honor who Tim was. At the very least, for the children, so they understand it was our love that got them here.<\/p>\n
At the moment, I\u2019m in a beautiful place. I\u2019ve learned nothing is permanent, but I\u2019m choosing to love and be present in what I call my permanent now.<\/p>\n
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People who know me are pretty amazed I\u2019m living the life I am. Because this wasn\u2019t meant to be my path.<\/p>\n
When I met Tim, I genuinely didn\u2019t take a single thing for granted. When he passed away, there wasn\u2019t a thing I wished I\u2019d said or done differently. There\u2019s something really beautiful and comforting about that.<\/p>\n
You do hear of couples getting into fights, then the husband goes to get the groceries and dies in a car accident; there\u2019s this major guilt. I don\u2019t have to feel that.<\/p>\n
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With Tim, I\u2019m very open about my grieving. My kids are very aware of who daddy Tim is. There are pictures of him around the house, and I dedicated a whole website to him. There are stories about him that other family and friends submitted, videos of him and I, lots of pictures.<\/p>\n
In the future, when the kids are ready to know more, they will have RememberingTimothyMerrell.com to go to.<\/p>\n
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It\u2019s wild how much I see Tim in Avery. If you see pictures of him and my son, he\u2019s a little mini Tim. They even have the same smile, lips, and ears. He\u2019s this massive blessing that Tim left behind \u2013 a beautiful legacy.<\/p>\n
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I see the blessings of our children, and it\u2019s because of Tim \u2013 it\u2019s kind of insane. And I refuse to take any of it for granted.\u201d<\/p>\n
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