\u201cToday marks one week since I had to give him back.<\/p>\n
You\u2019ve probably heard being a foster parent is rewarding. You\u2019ve probably heard it is challenging. You\u2019ve probably heard there is grief in saying goodbye. You\u2019ve probably heard there is joy in knowing we were there when it counted.<\/p>\n
But have you heard of \u2018foster parent\u2018 guilt?<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t. In fact, since I\u2019ve been fostering, I still haven\u2019t heard anyone mention it. This is the first I\u2019ve spoken of it.<\/p>\n
You see, I had this sweet little love until Thursday of last week.<\/p>\n
He came to us at three weeks old. He had to have an extended stay in the hospital to help his little body detox, followed by two failed placement attempts with relatives\u2026 they gave him back to CPS, twice.<\/p>\n
I remember his perfect little face, fingers, and toes on the day he came HOME. Now he\u2019s almost six months old. He\u2019s finally sleeping through the night. Two weeks ago he rolled over for the first time, and he\u2019s almost sitting up on his own! He\u2019s devouring any solid food he can get his cute, chubby little hands on.<\/p>\n
He is a real smiler; it literally goes from ear to ear. He can\u2019t help it. He is my happy boy. He looks to me for comfort and security. You see, I was his constant. I was his safe place. I was his everything, until last Thursday.<\/p>\n
My home was the only one he\u2019s ever known. My arms were the ones he\u2019s happiest in. My voice is the one that calmed him. My family was his family. He trusted me totally, completely, utterly, unquestionably.<\/p>\n
And what shatters my heart is that I had to betray his trust. He wasn\u2019t mine to keep. I know that \u2013 BUT HE DIDN\u2019T.<\/p>\n
This last week has been a blur. The long awaited court hearing has come and gone. I found out the home approval had last minute been approved for another relative. The judge approved moving my boy yet again to more relatives.<\/p>\n
I had two hours after the court hearing to pack what I could, say goodbye, and drop my baby off in an unfamiliar town, in a strange parking lot with more caseworkers. I watched as they drove away with him searching for ME! The guilt is crushing.<\/p>\n
I had to give him back.<\/p>\n
And as much as that hurt me, the thing I can\u2019t bear is how it has hurt him. How his little innocent heart, which believed I would protect him from everything, is now so deeply and irreparably hurt by me.<\/p>\n
Please don\u2019t be quick to jump and tell me not to feel guilty. Don\u2019t say it\u2019s not my fault. Don\u2019t remind me of the good I\u2019ve done and how that will set him up so well. Because in my head I know these things. I know them. But however true they are, they can\u2019t change the facts.<\/p>\n
Foster care will always, always be second best. And moving these already broken little people on to yet another home will always, always cause even more trauma. It\u2019s unavoidable. It\u2019s not my fault, yes \u2013 but I am still caught up in the process. And it is still me who had to look into those sparkling, big, brown, beautiful eyes, so full of trust and love\u2026 and then hand him over to strangers, and leave.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m sure he has cried for me. He has searched for me. He feels abandoned by me.<\/p>\n
So yes, I am guilty. And I am heartbroken. And so incredibly sad and sorry for the unfairness of this world.<\/p>\n
But there is hope. And faith. And love. And in the truest, wisest book ever written we are told love is the greatest.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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