{"id":5101,"date":"2025-11-21T14:43:03","date_gmt":"2025-11-21T14:43:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/?p=5101"},"modified":"2025-11-21T14:43:03","modified_gmt":"2025-11-21T14:43:03","slug":"he-had-curly-blond-hair-a-perfect-nose-pouty-lips-they-told-me-he-was-beautiful-i-didnt-get-to-see-mother-survives-worst-trauma-after-losing-newborn","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/?p=5101","title":{"rendered":"\u2018He had curly blond hair, a perfect nose, pouty lips. They told me he was beautiful. I didn\u2019t get to see.\u2019: Mother survives \u2018worst trauma\u2019 after losing newborn son, insists daughter will grow up knowing big brother is \u2018watching over her\u2019"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cI can remember the exact moment I found out I was pregnant. My hands were shaking as I lifted the test close to my face to read the word, \u2018pregnant.\u2019 There was a little baby growing inside of me and of all days to find out, it was my birthday. It was the best surprise I could ask for and I was already so in love with just one word.<\/p>\n

The first half of my pregnancy went off without any problems. Morning sickness hit the second trimester and all my family members were so helpful when I would get sick. We were also counting down the days until we\u2019d find out if baby was a big or a girl. I wanted to start buying clothes and picking out what the nursery would be like. We had already picked names: Jensen Grey for a boy and Mila Rae for a girl.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Twenty weeks came quick, even though at the time I felt like I\u2019d never find out if the baby was a girl or boy. At that doctor\u2019s appointment, the baby\u2019s dad, my mom and dad all filled a tiny room. We had to bribe the nurse to let us all in, but I couldn\u2019t imagine finding out such information alone. The ultrasound jelly was cold on my belly, then I saw my baby flash on the screen. There my little love was, dancing around with such a strong heartbeat. The ultrasound technician did her measurements quietly while we ooo-ed and ahh-ed. She asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, but I had already seen on the screen.<\/p>\n

\u2018It\u2019s a boy!,\u2019 she said.<\/p>\n

\u2018We have our Jensen!\u2019 My mom blurted out.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

And with the end of the scan, Jensen and I\u2019s dad waited for the doctor to give us the clear. My mom and dad left, but I wish they didn\u2019t. Everything changed after the conversation with our doctor.<\/p>\n

\u2018There are some measurements that aren\u2019t normal. The baby\u2019s nuchal fold is big, which could mean a lot of different things. We\u2019re going to run some tests to find out for sure.\u2019<\/p>\n

I was devastated. There was something \u2018wrong\u2019 with my perfect baby, my Jensen, and I didn\u2019t know how to cope. After two blood tests, meetings with the high risk and genetic doctors, we found out what was going on with Jensen. He had Down syndrome. We didn\u2019t know the severity, but found out he would need extra monitoring while I was still pregnant and after he was born, we would assess his needs.<\/p>\n

To keep an eye on Jensen, I had two ultrasounds a week. It was an hour drive to and from there, but seeing him grow and move on the screen gave me so much joy. I\u2019ll never regret all the time I spent in that doctor\u2019s office. Hearing Jensen\u2019s heartbeat and seeing him was my peace during my pregnancy.<\/p>\n

As I neared the last few weeks, I definitely felt off. I wrote it off as being nervous to being a new mom and wondering what complications Jensen may have post birth, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.<\/p>\n

At my 38-week appointment, I found out Jensen had died. The screen wasn\u2019t dancing as it usually did. Jensen was just slumped there. His heart wasn\u2019t flickering, everything was just\u2026 still.<\/p>\n

Everything after that moment felt still and like it was crashing at the same time\u2026 on top of being numb. Still to this day, almost four years later, I can\u2019t let myself remember everything. It\u2019d like a movie with missing parts. Sometimes they come to me and other times it feels\u2026 like it\u2019ll be forgotten forever.<\/p>\n

Jensen Grey Ridgway was born four hours after being induced on April 5, 2016. He had curly blond hair, a perfect nose, and pouty lips. I remember asking if he had all ten fingers and toes. They told me he was beautiful, but I didn\u2019t get to see.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

I made the decision not to see and hold Jensen. It\u2019s probably one of my biggest regrets I\u2019ll ever have in my life. Honestly, I didn\u2019t know how I could do it. I was in so much pain and disbelief, maybe I didn\u2019t realize the permanence of him being really gone. Instead, I asked for a lock of his hair, foot and handprints, and for them to take pictures of him. I wish I could go back to that moment, just to spend time holding and kissing him. As many times as I\u2019ve outwardly said I love him, I wish I could\u2019ve whispered it in his ear.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Life since Jensen\u2019s birth has been filled with ups and downs. I survived the worst trauma I could ever imagine going through. His name is said every day and I try to live a full life because I know he didn\u2019t get the chance. Jensen now has a sister, Mila. She will grow up always knowing she has a big brother watching over her. His pictures fill our house and we dance to the songs he moved to the most in my belly.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

My journey has been one of loss and love. If I could tell any mom, dad, grandparent, sibling, and family who has lost a child anything, it\u2019d be to keep moving forward. No matter the decisions you\u2019ve made with your child whose passed, you did your very best. Your loved filled your child\u2019s life and that\u2019s all they ever knew. That\u2019s all Jensen ever knew too.<\/p>\n

I will always be his mom and his life and the love I have for him will always matter.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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