{"id":316,"date":"2025-09-29T16:56:55","date_gmt":"2025-09-29T16:56:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/?p=316"},"modified":"2025-09-29T16:56:55","modified_gmt":"2025-09-29T16:56:55","slug":"i-felt-trapped-i-got-pregnant-at-17-she-gently-rubbed-my-hand-everything-will-be-alright-mother-of-10-overcomes-suicide-attempt-ptsd-trauma-to-learn-to-conqu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/?p=316","title":{"rendered":"\u2018I felt trapped. I got pregnant at 17. She gently rubbed my hand. \u2018Everything will be alright.\u2019: Mother of 10 overcomes suicide attempt, PTSD, trauma to learn to \u2018conquer love\u2019 for her children"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cI grew up being raised by a single mom. I was raised by my mom\u2019s surrounding family so my mom could provide for me. Growing up I didn\u2019t know love. I didn\u2019t know how to process my emotions. As a teen I went looking for love, I didn\u2019t know how to give it to myself, or receive it.<\/p>\n<p>I fell in love in 9th grade. It was that feeling when you just know that someone\u2019s meant for you and you\u2019re going to do life with them. If I knew God back then, I\u2019d know he was the one I was going to marry. He eventually broke my heart into pieces \u2013 it hurt physically. That experience stuck to me. I held onto the belief that I wasn\u2019t ever going to be good enough for love, just like my childhood.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-317\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/1-10-207x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"207\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/1-10-207x300.jpg 207w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/1-10-708x1024.jpg 708w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/1-10-768x1111.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/1-10.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 207px) 100vw, 207px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Someone then came into my life, blinded me and fed me everything I wanted to hear and feel to be loved. I felt trapped. Then I got pregnant at 17. Kids were not in my plan for me or my future, I didn\u2019t want kids. I will never forget that day. I ended up calling Planned Parenthood. I made an appointment for an abortion. It was a normal day, my mom dropped me off at the bus stop and I caught the bus to school. My boyfriend picked me up and I headed to the doctor. I felt guilty, shame and disgusted with myself. As I laid there during the procedure, the only comfort I had was the nurse who was a complete stranger, but the only woman I could feel safe with at the time. She gently rubbed my left hand like I was someone she loved and told me, \u2018Everything will be alright, it\u2019s okay,\u2019 repeatedly. I knew I wasn\u2019t the first teen to do this. I thought of her and how hard it must\u2019ve been to witness this being done day after day. Scared young teen girls that have absolutely no clue what\u2019s really going on.<\/p>\n<p>As the operating light shined in my face, my vision became blurry from the tears that wouldn\u2019t stop flowing. It felt like the worst cramps ever. I was being tugged from the inside out. I sat in the recovery chair after the procedure was done. The girl next to me was my classmate. I wonder what was going through her mind? Was she going to tell anyone that I was there also? I felt worthless \u2013 I did the one thing you should never do. I kept asking myself, \u2018Is this real? Is this real?\u2019 After I left, it was like nothing happened, you bury everything deep inside and that\u2019s where it stays. I went to the mall to eat. I went back to school and caught the bus home, all the while cramping and in pain with clots coming out of me. So much pain and in shock with what I just did. When I got home, I had a package with pads and a paper of aftercare instructions and what to expect for the next few days. I even cried to my little cousin at the time who was just 11, sitting in my room together. I remember telling her what I just did. That night and weeks after I cried myself to sleep wanting to end my life.<\/p>\n<p>A couple months later I got pregnant again. This time I had just graduated high school. The thought came rolling in again about abortion but I was too far along. I even begged my doctor and was willing to fly to another island. Deep down, I was so traumatized. I just couldn\u2019t go through that again. I decided to keep it. Even though I wasn\u2019t ready, I was devastated that I allowed this to happen again. I hated myself, my life was about to change forever. I was still a young girl about to raise a child. I was so terrified to tell my parents. It was the hardest thing to do. I told my aunty and my cousin. By the time I told my parents I was 5 months pregnant. I told my mom on New Year\u2019s Eve. I was under the table. She kept asking, \u2018What do you need to tell me?\u2019 I couldn\u2019t even speak. I needed to be loved and not judged as a disappointment. It came out like word vomit, \u2018I\u2019m pregnant.\u2019 When she asked, \u2018Who\u2019s the father?\u2019 I told her. She was totally disappointed in me, probably disgusted also.<\/p>\n<p>The next day we ended up at my boyfriend\u2019s house to tell his parents. He just kept his head down and said \u2018sorry.\u2019 I thought to myself, I have no control of my life and it\u2019s going to end badly. I was an expecting teen mom that had to grow up really fast. I was caught in a deep dark hole. My delivery was a blur \u2013 I checked out. My mom and dad were present in the room and when they placed her in my arms, I had no idea what to do. I wasn\u2019t happy. I was overwhelmed, sore and I didn\u2019t want to be there. When my boyfriend came in, he questioned if it was even his.<\/p>\n<p>When I got home I just wanted to sleep and later wake up from this horrible nightmare. The next day my mom had to go to work and I was left alone with my baby \u2013 someone I knew, but didn\u2019t know at the same time. My body was changing, I was feeling all sorts of feelings, I was tired and had no one to turn to. My boobs were sore and my stitches from my tear kept throbbing. I went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with postpartum depression. They gave me medication that made my heart race and made me feel like I wasn\u2019t in control. My chest always felt tight and my heart always seemed to race. This wasn\u2019t the life I wanted. I stayed like a prisoner with the father of my child. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. I stayed because that was all that I deserved. And when I tried to leave, he\u2019d threaten me.<\/p>\n<p>As my daughter got a little older, life became more chaotic in the relationship. Manipulation, arguments, what I could and couldn\u2019t wear, where I could look, showing up where I worked, where I lived unannounced to spy on me. I couldn\u2019t take it anymore. I wasn\u2019t only putting myself in danger, but those around me. One day I told myself, \u2018I don\u2019t want this life for my daughter. This is all she will know- the violence and toxic relationship. She will think it\u2019s okay to be treated this way.\u2019 I found the courage to get a temporary restraining order. I went to the courthouse to file. I felt so nauseous, we went to court and I had to testify. I was terrified for my life and my daughter\u2019s. I never looked back. I fought for a better life, the hardest days were battling my thoughts of thinking he was all I deserved. No one would want to be with a woman that came with baggage.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-318\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/2-5-300x225.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/2-5-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/2-5-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/2-5-800x600.jpg 800w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/2-5.jpg 860w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Now a single mom. I was emotionally abusive towards myself and I started wanting to go out and drink. I tried to pawn off my child to any family member that would watch her so I could go and have a good time and find someone who\u2019d love me. And even though I knew it wasn\u2019t right, I still choose to do it. I needed an outlet to numb myself. I was emotionally stressed and abusive towards myself. I didn\u2019t know how to be with myself. I\u2019d catch myself looking out my window watching the cars pass on the road, thinking, \u2018I live in this body, I don\u2019t know how to be with myself, and if I don\u2019t figure it out , I will suffer my entire life because I don\u2019 t know who I am.\u2019<\/p>\n<p>Remember that boy that broke my heart who was my high school sweetheart? My first love, the one I knew I was always supposed to marry? Well he ended up coming back into my life when he started to work at the same place as me. At the time I wasn\u2019t heavily religious. I didn\u2019t go to church, but I knew God existed to an extent because regardless of what happened back in high school, I never stopped praying for him. Even if I could just have him in my dreams I was satisfied. I am a believer in that saying, \u2018What\u2019s meant to be will always find its way.\u2019<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-319\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/3-6-204x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"204\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/3-6-204x300.jpg 204w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/3-6-695x1024.jpg 695w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/3-6-768x1132.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/3-6.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 204px) 100vw, 204px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, it was new to me. I didn\u2019t know how to be excited, but I was at the same time. I was anxious as to how this would work. My oldest was from someone else. Would that bother her if she had a sibling? Will I love them differently? How will I feel after? My transition into having my second child wasn\u2019t chaotic. I got an epidural to avoid the feeling of contractions. I had someone by my side who loved me, and I embraced that feeling of feeling love and safety.<\/p>\n<p>As my second daughter grew, my curiosity to know God became stronger. I witnessed my boyfriend\u2019s mother come home with this glow after church all the time. I wanted that. I started asking her questions and my heart started to burn with desire. My boyfriend was turned off at the time. I didn\u2019t force him at all. I wanted to be baptized and start a new life. Maybe because I wanted to be forgiven for what I did as a teen and this was my chance? I needed to learn through forgiveness, especially if I wanted to be with my family forever. One night while in bed, I told him, \u2018I want to get baptized. But we need to get married first. If you know you\u2019re going to be with me, then why don\u2019t we just get married?\u2019 And just like that, around bedtime while in our sleepy clothes and our daughters asleep with the TV on, he stood up, pulled me to my feet, got down on one knee, grabbed my left hand and said, \u2018Will you marry me?\u2019 No fairy tale, just perfect the way it was meant to be. We got married on a beach and ate at our favorite restaurant with close family and friends.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-320\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/4-5-201x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"201\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/4-5-201x300.jpg 201w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/4-5-685x1024.jpg 685w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/4-5-768x1148.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/4-5.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 201px) 100vw, 201px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>While camping one year we came across a family next to us. They had 4 boys and they were distant family of my husband\u2019s. You could tell they weren\u2019t just camping \u2013 they lived there. While in the water they came by us to swim. The oldest seemed very reserved and went to go fish with his dad. The second oldest was very talkative and told us everything they been through. He had no filter on it either. The third, he was special -he is what actually drew me into them. There was just something about him. I told my husband that night as we laid in our tent, \u2018I have this weird feeling like I know them and they are meant to be in my life.\u2019 When we got home from camping I remember getting on my knees and pouring my heart in prayer. A prayer I never spoke before, every word wasn\u2019t forced, it just was natural.<\/p>\n<p>My third pregnancy was a powerful testimony that God answers prayer. One day at work I felt the impression that I should have another child. This time a boy, I knew I couldn\u2019t just make that happen. I prayed every night seeking for God\u2019s hand in this prompting that I felt so strongly about. The day I found out it was a son, I dropped to my knees in my bathroom, bawling and saying, \u2018You are so real, I\u2019ve never believed in anything before, but you are real.\u2019 My pregnancy wasn\u2019t the same as my girls. I was tired, moody and I felt very empty. When I went into labor, I got another epidural to numb the pain of contractions and once he was born, I felt disconnected. I didn\u2019t want to say anything for the fear of being judged. He was my hardest baby, he constantly cried. Everything I tried to do didn\u2019t work. I constantly got clogged milk ducts and mastitis. Any noise would startle him and he\u2019d wake up screaming like he was in pain.<\/p>\n<p>I started to freak out as the sun went down, because I knew it would be a long night of feedings and trying to soothe a fussy baby. I was in the room and I had this anxiousness with time, as soon as the sun was setting and it hit 5:30-6:00 p.m. it happened. I was having a conversation with my sister in law and I started panicking. My hand couldn\u2019t stop shaking. \u2018It\u2019s time, it\u2019s time, don\u2019t let it happen, don\u2019t let the sun go down.\u2019 My sister in law tried to comfort me. \u2018Adri, it\u2019s okay you\u2019re going to be okay.\u2019 I said, \u2018No I\u2019m not I\u2019m going to stay up all night. He won\u2019t sleep for me, what am I doing wrong?\u2019 I knew I was dealing with another episode of postpartum depression. I was exhausted. I didn\u2019t want to eat, I was always tired. This time I didn\u2019t want medication. One day at church, a member walked up to us asking if we\u2019d take in 4 boys just for the month. My son was 5 months at the time getting over the worst case of hand, foot and mouth I\u2019ve ever seen. My husband just got laid off. I said, \u2018absolutely NO.\u2019 I was exhausted mentally and physically. But of course my husband said \u2018yes.\u2019 When I then learned who the 4 boys were, my heart began to beat so fast. Was this another answered prayer? The timing was all off in my head, but HIS timing is never off\u2026 They were the boys we saw at the beach. The ones I prayed for.<\/p>\n<p>So this is where my journey into motherhood really began the fast track! I was 24-year-old Adri, mom of 3. And now instantly, I\u2019m Adri mom of 7. Two girls and six boys. Just for the month. It was an okay transition as this big blended family. I knew it wasn\u2019t going to be for long. That went out the window real quick! Their parents didn\u2019t keep up with their end and the reunification was denied. I started noticing behavior patterns that seemed off. Here we were with a life changing ultimatum. If we keep them, they all stay together. If not, they all separate. It\u2019s uncommon to take all siblings in. We decided to have them stay with us. We got full custody of them the following year.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-321\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/5-5-300x224.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"224\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/5-5-300x224.jpg 300w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/5-5-768x573.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/5-5-800x600.jpg 800w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/5-5.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I remember seeing the top psychiatrist on island as he diagnosed the boys. I became aware that this wasn\u2019t my fault, but what they\u2019ve been through. I did ask him though because everything seemed overwhelming with counseling, medication etc., if I really wanted to make an impact on their lives, what advice would you give? He said, \u2018Be simple, LOVE. You love them.\u2019 That triggered me. I didn\u2019t know how to love myself. I loved my biological kids and my husband, but loving these 4 boys wasn\u2019t easy at all. It wasn\u2019t instant, it had to take time. It was like looking at a reflection in the mirror every time I they were hurt, there was a part of me that hurt also.<\/p>\n<p>While cooking dinner one afternoon, the kids were in the yard playing. The oldest threw the ball in his brother\u2019s face. I told him to come inside. When I asked, \u2018Why did you do that?,\u2019 he said, \u2018I can do whatever I want.\u2019 He started clapping in my face. Prior to that he\u2019d given me a hard time with everything I asked him to do. \u2018Put your backpack away, pick up your clothes, help me with your siblings.\u2019 He wanted to control me, and tried to. If I said he could have strawberries he\u2019d begin to argue with me. \u2018Why can\u2019t I have dried strawberries instead of real? This candy is a strawberry candy can I have this\u2019 I was so overwhelmed, I yelled, \u2018Why are you doing this to me? What have I ever done to you?!\u2019 Just then I heard my house door fly open. Another adult grabbed me by my arm and took me into my room and said, \u2018What is your problem?\u2019 In that moment I needed someone, I needed support. Not to be told I was doing something wrong. I felt so small. I was trying to hold everything together and still dealing with a baby on top of having postpartum depression. This person then looked at me and pointed at me saying, \u2018You need to suck it up, YOU asked for this.\u2019 Those words stuck to me like glue. That was how I started to mother. I buried everything I felt and never let it show. People will teach you through their own trauma and negative beliefs. What you need to voice doesn\u2019t matter especially in motherhood. So, I held onto my negative beliefs and they come out in other destructive ways towards myself.<\/p>\n<p>I wasn\u2019t in a good place when finding out I was pregnant with my 4th child. I didn\u2019t want to tell anyone, because they made more obnoxious comments. \u2018Again? When are you going to be done?\u2019 I mothered from my bed. It was my safe place and my dungeon. The 4 boys were totally different from mine. They had serious behavioral issues that I didn\u2019t understand. I was so afraid to ask because everyone judged me or had an opinion about it and it was targeted towards me. \u2018You need to love them, you need to be a better mom. Hello mom! Step it up.\u2019 The reality was, no one lived the hell we were living. I tried so hard to figure out what was wrong. Doctors, social workers, therapy, support groups. I took online courses. I had children that lived through situations that we probably will never experience in our lives. They acted out negatively, defiantly and fought all the time physically and verbally. I asked, \u2018Why do you guys argue, fight so much?\u2019 The second oldest replied, \u2018That\u2019s all we know, that\u2019s all our parents did, so we do it.\u2019 That spoke to me and made me realize, they are in my life for a reason, and we are all learning to love. If I was going to take that psychiatrist\u2019s advice, no one\u2019s going to help me help them, I need to learn how to get to the root of the issues.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-323\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/LWM06-860x645-1-300x225.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"225\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/LWM06-860x645-1-300x225.jpg 300w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/LWM06-860x645-1-768x576.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/LWM06-860x645-1-800x600.jpg 800w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/LWM06-860x645-1.jpg 860w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I was suffocating in people\u2019s opinions and judgments like it was my fault they were defiant, sneaking, telling lies, stealing and hoarding food that I became trapped in that belief. \u2018What\u2019s wrong with them? Do you feed them enough? Maybe you have too many kids? Are you not paying attention? Why do your kids get to have this, and they can\u2019t?\u2019 I wanted to end my life. I knew they wanted to love me but couldn\u2019t, they would betray their parents for loving another parent. I get it, but it hurt. They question, \u2018Where did aunty go? Is she coming back? Why did she leave?\u2019 I kept telling my husband, \u2018I need to go to the mental ward. Check me in. Something\u2019s wrong with me.\u2019 I started having panic attacks. I couldn\u2019t breathe. I started neglecting myself, I got vertigo and wasn\u2019t eating. I thought watching the food network was me eating. I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with deep depression recurring disorder, general anxiety and PTSD. I was suicidal and tried to end my life with a diffuser cord. I had it all planned out. I felt like I was having an outer body experience \u2013 my true self was watching this unrecognizable person live my life in darkness.<\/p>\n<p>My husband just so happened to walk in the bathroom and asked what I was about to do. I told him, \u2018end my life.\u2019 He grabbed me, hugged me tightly and whispered, \u2018We need you here, I need you here with me.\u2019 Sometimes we may not know what to say, but he\u2019s always spoken the words I needed to hear in the toughest moments. He stuck by me through it all, it wasn\u2019t pretty. I wanted him to leave me. He stuck beside me and fought for me, he wanted to understand. His job even allowed him to take some time off to take care of me, I felt even more worthless. We allowed these 4 boys to overrun our life with their chaos and it was exhausting. I hated when people found out we adopted. They would call me a saint because I was an adopted mother, and I was going to \u2018be blessed.\u2019 If they only knew the hell I was living in and what I really thought. It wasn\u2019t anything saintly. My thoughts were, \u2018Now I understand why people don\u2019t foster and adopt older kids. They were already set in their brokenness.\u2019 I knew that I was prone to postpartum depression and I expected it. When my son was born, a little turn around occurred. I had a moment of gratitude. He was my life saver. He saved my life from me ending my life. He brought stillness and peace as I watched him take his breaths. He gave my meaning to the breaths I took daily. I was in complete awe of him, my lifesaver.<\/p>\n<p>My marriage had been tested in so many directions. The biggest lesson we learned was to lean on one another in our hard times as parents or our financial struggles. When he got laid off, financially it was stressful but somehow we always managed to pick up side jobs or was blessed with a job opportunity. Having the time when he was laid off really helped our relationship. He became more helpful as I transitioned through my postpartum, cleaning, cooking, diaper changes, letting me take naps, even making me water and making sure I ate.<\/p>\n<p>I started to become aware of my body and know the signs when I was pregnant again. When I found out I was expecting my 5th we were settled into our home, and I started to see a therapist. I was seeking help. I started to learn about my triggers and incorporating certain tools to help me get through my days. The hospital nurses knew me already because I\u2019d been there so much. It was like a vacation away from home. I got pampered, taken care of without disturbance. I got another epidural this time, I wasn\u2019t prepared for the effects of what it gave me. The day after giving birth I couldn\u2019t lift my head without getting an agonizing headache. The nurse gave me Motrin but the pain didn\u2019t leave me. I talked to the anesthesiologist and he said, \u2018You have a spinal leak and if it doesn\u2019t go away in a few days, come back and we\u2019ll plug the leak by doing another epidural procedure.\u2019 I thought that was ridiculous. I couldn\u2019t believe I had to deal with this while recovering from having a baby and taking care of a baby all at the same time.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-324\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/6-5-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/6-5-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/6-5-768x1024.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/6-5.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve nursed all my babies until the age of 2. I started to notice my milk supply decreasing and sensitivity towards my nipples. I felt completely sick in the early mornings, and bloated. After our Disney Christmas I went to the doctor and found out I was 11 weeks pregnant with baby number 6! I was shocked! The more kids you have the more the doctors started asking me if I wanted to tie my tubes or be put on birth control. I found that to be offensive. I said to my husband, \u2018I wanted to have a home birth this time. I don\u2019t want to go back to the hospital at all from my last delivery.\u2019 This pregnancy was different \u2013 my entire focus was on self-care.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-325\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/7-2-201x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"201\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/7-2-201x300.jpg 201w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/7-2-685x1024.jpg 685w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/7-2-768x1148.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/7-2.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 201px) 100vw, 201px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>One afternoon when my contractions were strong but inconsistent, my midwife asked me, \u2018What\u2019s going on?\u2019 That was the first time I ever spoke up and let what needed to be said, said. I told her, \u2018I can\u2019t keep running away anymore.\u2019 With my husband in the room, time stood still. I was being brought back to that 17-year-old girl laying on the operating bed getting an abortion. My midwife was holding the exact same hand as the nurse and doing the exact same thing, gently rubbing my hand. As tears rolled down my face and the lump in my throat seemed to be getting bigger, I said, \u2018Every contraction reminds me of the day I got an abortion. That\u2019s why all these past pregnancies I got epidurals to numb myself from feeling. I can\u2019t do that with this child.\u2019 An as I laid there, the room was quiet. I continued to speak \u2018I\u2019d often think to myself, why did God allow all these children to me? When women are struggling and praying and I didn\u2019t let one live? I know GOD forgave me because HE forgives, but what this transition into this next chapter in motherhood is teaching me\u2026.. It\u2019s not about God forgiving me, it\u2019s about me learning to accept and forgive myself. I was 17, a broken little girl trying to figure out how to love in brokenness. \u2018As soon as I acknowledge something I held on to for so long, my labor started to progress.<\/p>\n<p>My life changed that day, I couldn\u2019t run away from my fear. I faced it and surrendered to all the things that held me back. My home birth was beautiful, my husband in the pool with me and told me everything I needed to hear. We got to strengthen our marriage and love for one another, appreciating our roles as a mother and father, husband and wife. We worked together to bring our baby into this world, my kids surrounding me with neighborhood kids, who I love like my own. It was LOVE that we all never felt before \u2013 it was the highest, noblest love you could feel.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-326\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/8-2-300x229.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"229\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/8-2-300x229.jpg 300w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/8-2-768x587.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/8-2.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I often get asked, \u2018How do I do it?\u2019 I just choose to love. I never wanted kids, and now I embrace however many God blesses us with, whether our own or foster\/adopted. I have a new perspective and meaning on life. I have learned so much about myself and my beliefs. I am breaking generational trauma, and re-programming negative beliefs within myself. I learned that LOVE conquers all.<\/p>\n<p>I learned how to heal my trauma and to be my own voice, regardless of what others say. Through my hardest and darkest days battling anxiety, depression and suicide, brought beautiful lessons and blessings. I am an influential mom to my kids. I honor my kid\u2019s journey\u2019s \u2013 they are all unique and serve a purpose. I meet them where they\u2019re at and I walk with them through it. I find positive outlets to release stress and tension. Breathing, meditation, prayer, working out. I\u2019m a stay at home mom, but I also spend an amount of time serving others. I am a postpartum doula, I help moms transition into motherhood regardless if it\u2019s your first our 20th.<\/p>\n<p>My story began as a little girl and my lesson has always been to choose love. We live in a world where we are constantly battling to conquer LOVE. Because we\u2019re always choosing fear. There\u2019s a stigma around motherhood, the perfect expectation, what\u2019s right and wrong, judgments and comparisons, the stress, the tiredness. I was completely engulfed in it. But deep down, I knew THIS isn\u2019t what life was about. Healing and loving the little broken girl inside of me, so she doesn\u2019t show up to mother, but rather be the divine woman in me. I know now that LOVE heals, and I choose love every day. I can control my life and not let life control me. Love heals everything and every day I wake up thankful for another breath of life. Thankful that I have the choice to conquer love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-327\" src=\"http:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/9-1-300x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/9-1-300x300.jpg 300w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/9-1-150x150.jpg 150w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/9-1-768x768.jpg 768w, https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/9-1.jpg 900w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cI grew up being raised by a single mom. I was raised by my mom\u2019s surrounding family so my mom could provide for me. Growing<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":328,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-316","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=316"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":329,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/316\/revisions\/329"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/328"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}