Dating is hard, and finding the right partner can be even harder. Once you find someone you\u2019re pretty compatible with, it\u2019s easy to settle into the comfort of that relationship. That\u2019s why it can be difficult, and take a long time, to recognize the signs you\u2019re in the wrong relationship.<\/p>\n
We still hear people joke about how oppressive commitment is, comments about getting home to the \u201cball and chain\u201d. Many think this is what relationships are supposed to look like, but it\u2019s not. Anita Chlipala, LMFT and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple\u2019s Guide to Lasting Love, often sees clients who don\u2019t realize that relationships aren\u2019t supposed to feel like a prison.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople think \u2018well this is the way a relationship should be,\u2019 or they didn\u2019t know it could be any better,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cPeople buy into the \u2018shoulds\u2019. Like \u2018I should move into the suburbs\u2019, or [think] \u2018well, my life is over\u2019, and I don\u2019t think that has to be the case.\u201d<\/p>\n
When talking to singles about dating, Chlipala encourages finding a \u201cgood fit\u201d not a \u201cright fit\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes people think there\u2019s this one person out there for them, or there\u2019s this right person, but I think there\u2019s multiple people who might be a good fit, so it kind of expands your dating pool or your options,\u201d Chlipala says.<\/p>\n
Here are 12 thoughts you may have if you\u2019re in the wrong relationship, according to experts.<\/p>\n
1
\n\u201cI Always Have Butterflies In My Stomach.\u201d<\/p>\n
Butterflies aren\u2019t always a good sign. Chlipala often sees that people date based on their initial attraction to someone, or the initial chemistry in a relationship. This isn\u2019t the best indicator of who will make a good partner in the long run, and it\u2019s easy to confuse your lust at first sight with anxiety and other negative emotions.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not always the best indicator of who would be a good fit, because some of my anxious clients have a tendency of going for the people who are emotionally unavailable, and so that creates feelings, but those are not healthy feelings,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cWhat they think is butterflies and a connection is actually anxiety, we all have anxiety when we first start dating someone but it should go away.\u201d<\/p>\n
2
\n\u201cWe\u2019re Not On The Same Page.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chlipala warns against focusing if you\u2019re on the same page, but not for the reason you\u2019d expect.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you worry about being on the same page, [you] might be trying to get [your] partner to be more like [you], instead of accepting them for who they are,\u201d says Chlipala.<\/p>\n
Chlipala says you and your partner won\u2019t be on the same page about everything. Probably not on most things. But when couples focus too much on differences, it\u2019s often a sign they\u2019re not accepting their partners for who they are.<\/p>\n
3
\n\u201cI Don\u2019t Know If I Can Tell My Partner How I Feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou need to be vulnerable in order to have a deep connection,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t mean you share everything but you have to be able to let your partner know how you feel, the vulnerability in a relationship in order for there to be deep intimacy. So when that\u2019s missing it\u2019s not a good sign.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you feel as if you can\u2019t tell your partner how you\u2019re feeling, take a step back and question why that is. It could be because you don\u2019t feel totally comfortable being yourself around your partner, or because your feelings are about a relationship dealbreaker. Either way, it\u2019s always best to address your feelings and try to identify the root problem.<\/p>\n
4
\n\u201cI\u2019m Afraid To Tell Them What Really Turns Me On.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCompatibility isn\u2019t about wanting the same things or desire sex with the same frequency,\u201d Jess O\u2019Reilly Ph.D., host of the Drive Him\/Her Wild With Pleasure Webinar Series, tells Bustle. \u201cI believe that compatibility involves being willing to put in a similar amount of effort to meet one another\u2019s needs and being open to understanding your partner\u2019s desires without judgment.\u201d<\/p>\n
O\u2019Reilly says that compatibility is a big part of any relationship, and partners should be striving to meet each other\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou may not be compatible today, but you can become compatible if you\u2019re willing to consider your partner\u2019s needs and make an effort to find common ground,\u201d Dr. O\u2019Reilly says.<\/p>\n
5
\n\u201cI Don\u2019t Know How They Fit Into My Future.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re imagining big plans for your future, and you forget to include your partner, that\u2019s usually not a good sign. If you\u2019re unsure how your partner fits into you life in the long run, it\u2019s a good idea to figure out why that is.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lack of commitment to the relationship results in relationship dissolution,\u201d Dr. O\u2019Reilly says. \u201cSometimes this commitment is lacking from the beginning and in other cases, commitment erodes over time. It can erode gradually or drastically in response to relationship events like infidelity.\u201d<\/p>\n
6
\n\u201cI Feel Powerless In Fights.\u201d<\/p>\n
Not all fights signal the end of a relationship. But if you have constant fights with your partner and nothing seems to change, chances are your fights aren\u2019t productive.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you have the same fights over and over again and fighting affects your levels of love, affection, and commitment, conflict can lead you to break up,\u201d Dr. O\u2019Reilly says.<\/p>\n
Dr. O\u2019Reilly recommends learning how to argue constructively. This means actually listening to your partner\u2019s concerns, and looking for win-win compromises.<\/p>\n
7
\n\u201cI Don\u2019t Know Who I Am To My Partner.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re unsure of where you stand with your partner, or what your future looks like, it\u2019s time to re-evaluate your relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201c[It\u2019s] not healthy [if] you don\u2019t know where you stand in the relationship, like you don\u2019t know how your partner really feels about you. This is someone who\u2019s been with their partner for a while, you might be with them for several months sometimes several years and you\u2019re not sure where the relationship is going, or how your partner really feels about you,\u201d says Chlipala. While it\u2019s always a good idea to ask, it\u2019s worth it to look at why you feel this way as well.<\/p>\n
8
\n\u201cThey\u2019re Not Really Listening To Me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chlipala says a big problem in relationships is when one person does speak up for their needs, but nothing changes or gets better. Maybe because your partner isn\u2019t willing to make changes, or you\u2019re asking too much of them.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to be very clear with your partner on what\u2019s important,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cYou\u2019re not going to see eye to eye on everything, but I do think a sign of a healthy relationship is when you state something that you need, your partner is willing to listen, understand you, and make it happen if possible. This doesn\u2019t mean your partner is at your beck and call [\u2026] but at least there\u2019s a willingness.\u201d If that willingness is not there, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.<\/p>\n
9
\n\u201cI Can\u2019t Remember The Last Time We Were Intimate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOxytocin, the cuddle hormone, makes us feel more attached to our partner, and that does get released in physical touch and during orgasm,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cI think [not enough touch] is a sign that something\u2019s up. Not necessarily that you\u2019re in the wrong relationship, but if physical touch has decreased, that\u2019s not a good sign either.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chlipala says it\u2019s important to note that people speak different love languages, and just because your partner isn\u2019t very touchy-feely, that doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t love you. However, she has found that affection is important in relationships, and if you\u2019re unsatisfied with the physical attention you\u2019re getting (or not getting) you should bring it up to your partner.<\/p>\n
10
\n\u201cI\u2019m Spending Time With My Partner, But Feel Kind Of Lonely.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you feel lonely or distant in your relationship, despite spending time with your partner, you may not be developing a deeper connection with your partner.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think there is a difference between quality time and just spending time together,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cIt\u2019s really about continually getting to know your partner on a deeper level [\u2026] if the loneliness has been around for a while, that would be a sign to look out for.\u201d<\/p>\n
11
\n\u201cI Don\u2019t Know If I Can Talk To My Partner About My Future.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes people avoid talking about the things that might be dealbreakers or their non-negotiables because they\u2019re scared to lose the relationship, but this is something that I think every person has to do, especially if you\u2019re considering a long-term relationship with your partner\u2026the content doesn\u2019t necessarily matter for every couple if they\u2019re willing to compromise,\u201d Chlipala says.<\/p>\n
You should be bringing up your feelings and differences of opinions to see how your partner responds and if they are willing to compromise with you. If they\u2019re unwilling to compromise, or you\u2019re asking them to change who they are, chances are you\u2019re not in a compatible long-term relationship.<\/p>\n
12
\n\u201cIt\u2019s Normal To Feel Distance In A Relationship, Isn\u2019t It?\u201d<\/p>\n
Chlipala says that anxiously attached people in relationships are \u201chyper-sensitive\u201d to whether or not feelings are reciprocated in their relationships. It can be difficult to recognize that your partner is really keeping you at bay when you\u2019re naturally anxious. But this likely means you and your partner are incompatible, and it can cause you more stress and anxiety.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes people who are anxiously attached have a tendency of going for those people who are emotionally unavailable [\u2026] they keep going for people who are maybe the wrong type or a person who is not going to make them satisfied in a relationship. Because by default, people who are [\u2026] emotionally unavailable types keep their partner at arm\u2019s length,\u201d Chlipala says.<\/p>\n
It can be hard to recognize you\u2019re unhappy in your relationship, and even if you do know you\u2019re unsatisfied, it\u2019s often easier to just stay in that relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes people will stay with someone who they know isn\u2019t right for them for a lot of reasons,\u201d Chlipala says. \u201cSometimes out of pity, they don\u2019t want to hurt their feelings, and a common one is they don\u2019t want to go back out into the dating pool. It\u2019s easier for people to have the comfort of their current relationship [\u2026] versus dealing with the uncertainty of getting back into the dating pool and not knowing if you\u2019re going to meet someone.\u201d<\/p>\n
When looking a compatible partner, Chlipala recommends seeking someone who speaks the same love language as you. She also recommends looking at what your non-negotiables are, and even questioning why you have them, to find someone who shares the same values.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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