It\u2019s safe to say that many would list cheating as the most damaging thing a person can do in a relationship. But relationship expert Lucinda Loveland says that there\u2019s something even more insidious and sneaky that can erode a relationship from the inside: \u201cCheating is not the only way we feel betrayed.\u201d This furtive phenomenon is so subtle that it can sometimes go undetected. \u201cMany couples don\u2019t even realize what exactly is causing so much pain,\u201d Loveland says.<\/p>\n
What can be worse than cheating? Simple, Loveland says. It all boils down to \u201cthe daily withdrawal and negative interactions that show how selfish we can act, how cold we can be, and how unfair we can treat our partner \u2026 Essentially, looking for our own self-benefit, regardless of how sabotaging it can be for our partner\u2019s needs. This is a mutual dance in most cases.\u201d One caveat, though: This doesn\u2019t apply to \u201cphysical and emotional abuse, where there is a clear victim and perpetuator.\u201d If that\u2019s the case, \u201cnone of this applies to you, and you must seek help.\u201d<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re in a relationship that has hit this type of rough patch, these daily doses of pessimism can slowly rot the partnership. The problem starts \u201cwhen a couple is engaged in constant negative interaction, and persistent negative thoughts about our partner as selfish, or only out for themselves, unsupportive, or even dismissive of our own needs,\u201d Loveland says. \u201cThe fundamental issue isn\u2019t about communication or problem-solving skills, but about trust for each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a big deal, Loveland says: \u201cThis is the number-one cause of a broken relationship, whether you\u2019re aware of it or not.\u201d Called \u201cthe secret relationship killer,\u201d as coined by Dr. John Gottman (a leading researcher in the field of psychology and relationships), this behavior on the part of one or both members of a couple leads to \u201cdaily despair,\u201d which doesn\u2019t allow for any time for recuperation and repair of the relationship. This can cause it to lose \u201cits special meaning,\u201d and ultimately feel replaceable.<\/p>\n
How can you recognize this intimacy-killer in your own relationship? These daily negative interactions can look a thousand different ways, but here are a few signs, according to Loveland.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis betrayal can take many different forms: Putting our career (or other relationships) ahead of our romantic relationship, sharing intimate troubles with others that our partner would find uncomfortable if they knew, not bringing things up or lying in order to \u2018keep the peace,\u2019 negatively comparing our partner to better choices (physically, intellectually, emotionally, you name it), withdrawing affection and intimacy, disrespecting and belittling our partner, or breaking a promise our partner asked of us to trust us.\u201d<\/p>\n
It might sound straightforward, but these stealthy behaviors can lead to huge problems \u2014 and ultimately a breakup. \u201cAmong these, a common pitfall occurs, or begins, when someone is trying to avoid conflict,\u201d Loveland says. \u201cIt\u2019s difficult to admit our most vulnerable feelings, and we may even think it\u2019s an exploding bomb to allow negative feelings to come up, let alone [be] shared.\u201d<\/p>\n
But this is not the way, Loveland says. Couples can fall into a systemic and damaging routine of sweeping hurt feelings under the proverbial rug. Bringing up issues with one\u2019s partner can start to feel like \u201cdisturbing the peace\u201d in this case. Eventually, people might tell themselves that \u201cit\u2019s best to just ignore\u201d an issue, instead of risking a fight. Not so: \u201cThe danger occurs when the issues go ignored, and we compare our partner to others. Little fibs are thrown as \u2018harmless\u2019 lies.\u201d Next, she says, one or both parties \u201cunsurprisingly withdraw emotionally.\u201d<\/p>\n
This incredibly insidious phenomenon can creep into a relationship, like cold through a window in winter. It takes on so many different forms that it can be hard to even identify or isolate. \u201cConsidering that most of us long for belonging and connection,\u201d Loveland says, \u201ccoldness is also a form of betrayal.\u201d Naturally, we all want to feel warm feelings of connectedness in a relationship. \u201cThis is something we want frequently, not just on special occasions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor some of us, it is difficult to warm up and provide love and support the way our partner needs it. It may take years to get comfortable, and we may never feel comfortable. If our partner is fine with that and likes the same, there isn\u2019t a problem. But for the rest of us, we need to be validated for our hard work in raising the kids, celebrated when we reached an important goal in life, comforted when we have felt let down by others, supported in pursuing our own dreams, and accompanied during grief.\u201d<\/p>\n
If that\u2019s not available in our romantic relationship, the person whose needs feel unmet will begin to experience acute feelings of pain.<\/p>\n
\u201cRealistically, we all want connection in our own specific ways when it comes to a promotion at work, a loss of a loved one, daily stressors, etc.,\u201d Loveland says. \u201cIt\u2019s sometimes difficult to share how we would [ideally want to] feel connected during these times, but such a reward when discovered.\u201d This takes work, of course \u2014 it requires paying serious attention to one\u2019s partner\u2019s preferences, and taking action.<\/p>\n
And sensitivity is paramount. \u201cOne partner may like the big surprise birthday party with all the friends and family, but after the kids arrive, [the other partner] may feel disappointed because he would have preferred a weekend alone without the kids to celebrate,\u201d Loveland says. \u201cOr one partner may feel incompetent to comfort their partner during time of grief, but their partner may feel rejected\u201d without comfort. \u201cWithout knowing the reason our partner let us down, we may react coldly and withdraw because we have been hurt \u2014 for not being appreciated that we invested in a special birthday party, or because we were given space during time of grief,\u201d and the like.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s another way this negativity can play out in a relationship: As awful as it sounds, \u201cwe may take opportunities to take advantage of our partner \u2026 Fairness is what makes a strong relationship.\u201d To illustrate this idea, Loveland weighs in on her own marriage:<\/p>\n
\u201cMy relationship is a bit untraditional. My husband does most of the cooking, and I handle the finances. I do light cooking, but my husband prefers to cook, as he finds it fun and he likes to make his food taste good. On the other hand, I like numbers, spreadsheets, organization, and knowing what dollar goes where (although we are both frugal, if we had to pick who would be the best spender, that would be me). In this case it works for the both of us, and there are no hard feelings. No feelings of betrayal. However, if I were to invest in a nice, fancy TV for me, and not the mountain bike for him, that would be unfair. It\u2019s unfair to take advantage of the other. I\u2019ve seen this when one sits at the table and expects the other to bring the food, the napkins, the silverware, while they just sit and ask for more things. If the partner serving feels like a waiter, then they are being taking advantage of.\u201d<\/p>\n
So how to avoid this this devastating negativity? Or how to repair a relationship if the behaviors are already in place? First off, it\u2019s all about trust, Loveland says:<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen there is trust, there is no need for negative thoughts, suspicious questions, confrontations or constant worry \u2026 With trust, there are no longer the questions in your head that are said by worry or fear: Will he share with me how his day went if I ask him? Will I find new clothes in the closet after she promised me we would save? Will he help me around the house when I\u2019m in recovery? Will she be gentle with our kids when she learns about their grades? Will he cancel our date, or our anniversary, for his work meeting? Will she tell her friends about our last fight? Will he stand up for me in front of his mom? Will she stop nagging me?\u201d<\/p>\n
On the flip side, \u201cwhen we can\u2019t trust our partner to come through, we want to change them so we can get more out of the relationship. In all honesty, we feel deprived, so therefore we become more selfish for our needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
The good news? \u201cWhen we trust our partner, the opposite is true. We care about how our partner feels, and we know our partner cares how we feel. We do things that will benefit our partner, not just our selves. We are no longer selfish. The pleasure of making each other happy is much more important than self-gains.\u201d<\/p>\n
As we all know, no relationship is perfect. It\u2019s smart to be realistic about one\u2019s expectations, and know that a certain amount of strife is normal in a relationship. \u201cAmong the happiest and healthiest relationships, there are still quarrels and serious conflicts, even betrayal,\u201d Loveland says. \u201cDon\u2019t let anyone fool you. The difference [between] a thriving and a failing relationship isn\u2019t about what the conflict is, or even how [conflict is handled], but how much trust there is.\u201d<\/p>\n
Indeed, trust is the answer. Trust, the great salve of many relationship-based issues, \u201cmakes the handling of conflict a little bit easier, since we trust our partner isn\u2019t [being] neglectful of our feelings and well-being,\u201d Loveland says. \u201cThere will be spilled milk. No relationship is free of conflict or mistakes. That\u2019s a fact.\u201d But in a healthy, loving, trusting relationship, even a huge fight is OK from time to time. Without trust, though, these awful behaviors can seep in, leading to deep and unremitting feelings of discomfort. When the \u201csecret relationship killer\u201d slowly sneaks in, resulting in \u201cconstant negative interaction\u201d and \u201cpersistent negative thoughts,\u201d there\u2019s often no turning back. To avoid such a fate for your relationship, be sure to consciously build trust with your partner on a regular basis \u2014 and be careful to avoid negative behaviors such as dismissiveness, selfishness and manipulation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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