Let me paint you a little (not so pretty) picture. You get dumped. Brutally, brutally dumped. Needless to say, the breakup leaves you heartbroken and devastated. You spend months and months mourning the loss of your relationship until, finally, one day, you wake up feeling a little better and start to move on with your life. You\u2019re finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you.<\/p>\n
If you catch yourself spiraling a little, it\u2019s OK. Receiving a text or DM from an ex can trigger some strong feelings. Being suddenly thrust back into the emotions of your breakup can even activate the part of your brain that perceives pain, according to clinical psychologist and author Dr. Beth Kurland.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen we break up and later get a text from an ex, this can re-trigger and activate that same neural circuitry,\u201d Kurland told Elite Daily. \u201cWe crave that same pleasure we once experienced with this person, which can help explain why it is so hard to let go of an old relationship and why it can even become an obsession.\u201d<\/p>\n
And unless your ex\u2019s message has a clear and direct question or purpose, such as an invite to meet up and talk things over (being friends is an option), there\u2019s a good chance that your ex unexpectedly hitting you up is a case of what Bela Gandhi, president at Smart Dating Academy, calls \u201cbreadcrumbing.\u201d This means that by giving you random \u201ccrumbs\u201d of attention without a clear purpose, they might just be stringing you along \u201cwith no intention of actually doing anything,\u201d Gandhi previously told Elite Daily.<\/p>\n
So, what are you supposed to do when an ex contacts you years later? Here are some lessons from the real experiences shared by women on Reddit based on their own stories of when an ex came back years later out of the blue.<\/p>\n
She laughed with her fianc\u00e9 about her ex\u2019s message.<\/p>\n
One dude I dated like four years ago reached out to me randomly in the last few months. He complained about women and dating to me, told me how great he\u2019s doing, and called himself a lone wolf. My fianc\u00e9 thought it was hilarious. Eventually I stopped responding.<\/p>\n
She knew better than to let him back into her life.
\nDated him for 4 years, he was my first love and broke my heart countless times. He reached out to me over two years after leaving me and getting engaged 3 months later (surprise \u2013 they didn\u2019t work out) He didn\u2019t even apologize, just wanted to \u201ccheck up on me.\u201d I told him to f*ck off and never contact me again and he acted so shocked\/offended. Lol. Too many heartbreaks, and I know myself too well to allow him back into my life in any way at all.<\/p>\n
He kept reaching out until she deleted him off her Facebook.
\nYeah, my cheating university ex used to reach out to chat and ask how my life was going every now and then for ~5 years after we broke up.
\nI chatted with him politely a few times out of curiosity and told him my life was awesome. I deleted him off Facebook a few years ago so I\u2019ve not heard from him since then. There is no relationship, I have no desire to stay in touch.<\/p>\n
He watches all of her Instagram stories even though he doesn\u2019t follow her.
\nNo, but my ex who I dated for almost five years keeps viewing my Instagram stories, and he doesn\u2019t follow me. He sees them almost as soon as they\u2019re posted and it\u2019s creepy. We broke up almost three years ago and he has a girlfriend of two years.<\/p>\n
He reached out during her grandma\u2019s funeral.
\nNot a long ago an ex wrote to me during my grandmother\u2019s funeral. I was in a relationship with him for many years but at the end, he had many problems and he didn\u2019t treat me as he should and he cheated me. I am happier without him in my life. I know he found a new girlfriend after only 2 months. We broke a few years ago and i\u2019m still single by choice.
\nHe wrote a very complicated message about the fact he wanted to know how my life was doing. My answer was cold but polite. He understood that i didn\u2019t want to talk with him so he didn\u2019t continue. He always knew that i prefer not to be friend with my exes.<\/p>\n
A college course on feminism inspired him to reach out and apologize to her.<\/p>\n
My ex got in touch after a couple of years of no contact to essentially apologize for being a douche. He took a gender discrimination course at the university and apparently it opened his eyes to a lot of shitty stuff he\u2019d been doing, both to me and to other women. So he messaged me and apologized. We have not had contact since then.<\/p>\n
She sent him a cold response, and he took the hint.
\nAbsolutely. I got a message a year after our break up of him apologizing for how he treated me while we were dating. He asked if we could be friends and I said no. Haven\u2019t talked to him since but it feels good to have gotten my apology.<\/p>\n
He reached out after their difficult breakup, and things went surprisingly well.
\nHigh school boyfriend of 4 years. We broke up because we were on different pages in our lives at 21. It was hard on both of us. We went separate ways, didn\u2019t have much contact. Then 4 years later I had just gone through another breakup and he text me out of the blue. We caught up over drinks. And then again the next week. And we\u2019ve been together for about a year now.<\/p>\n
They had a nice conversation until he sent her an unsolicited dick pic.
\nHe messaged me on Facebook and we spent some time catching up. It was a nice little conversation until he started telling me how I was still hot and he was dumb for cheating on me. Then he sent an unsolicited dick pic. I blocked him because I wasn\u2019t the least bit interested.<\/p>\n
Years after the breakup, they have managed to stay in touch.
\nIt was an amicable breakup and we now email catch up every few months, but I haven\u2019t seen him since. We invested a lot of time in one another so it\u2019s nice to learn how the other is turning out. We dated about 8 years ago and he reached out around the 5 year mark.
\nI once reached out though, in a moment of guilt and stress, to an ex in attempt to apologize for everything that happened (at that time 4yrs in the past.). Was blocked instantly, 100% deserved.<\/p>\n
Of course, every past relationship is different, and you should take it on a case by case basis if you get a surprise message from an ex or you\u2019re the one reaching out to an ex years later. You can use these women\u2019s experiences as anecdotal insight, but remember to go with your own instincts if your ex hits you up out of nowhere.<\/p>\n
Help! I Hate My Boyfriend\u2019s Spending Habits.
\nHe drops hundreds of dollars on drinks at boys nights, but he\u2019s so frugal when he\u2019s with me.<\/p>\n
Q:My boyfriend is generally pretty careful about spending money. He likes to limit how often we order in, and when we travel, he\u2019s always trying to book the cheapest flights, accommodations, and activities. That\u2019s all fine with me \u2014 neither of us makes much money in our postgrad jobs \u2014 but the main issue I have is that he goes out with his friends every few weekends and will drop hundreds of dollars on drinks in one night. He says their boys nights help him \u201cblow off steam\u201d and doesn\u2019t seem worried about the finances, but it hurts my feelings considering he\u2019s so frugal when he\u2019s with me. How can I talk to him about it? \u2014Katie*<\/p>\n
A: Hi, Katie! I can see why this would be frustrating. It sounds like the issue is less about how much money your boyfriend is spending and more about how he\u2019s choosing to spend it. The way someone spends their hard-earned cash does say something about their priorities, so I don\u2019t blame you for questioning why he\u2019s allocating his paycheck (which he\u2019s clearly mindful of) in this way. It sucks to feel like his boys nights take precedence over sharing fun experiences with you.<\/p>\n
From your note, I\u2019m guessing you two don\u2019t have combined finances. So it\u2019s worth noting that you\u2019d be commenting on something he\u2019s spending his own money on, which has the potential to put him on the defensive. That said, I think it\u2019s absolutely fair game for you to tell him how his choices are making you feel.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d wager a guess that there\u2019s something deeper in his habit of spending lavishly while he\u2019s out drinking with his friends.
\nPerhaps he genuinely hasn\u2019t considered the imbalance in his behavior or how it might appear from the outside. However, I\u2019d wager a guess that there\u2019s something deeper in his habit of spending lavishly while he\u2019s out drinking with his friends. Perhaps he feels the need to show off around them, or use this time to disconnect from his everyday life in some way. You mentioned he says these nights help him \u201cblow off steam,\u201d which makes me wonder what kind of stress he feels like he\u2019s escaping by doing this.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d approach the conversation with curiosity. You could start by saying something like, \u201cHey, I\u2019ve noticed that on nights you go out with your friends, you seem not to worry so much about spending money. I love that you have fun with them, but sometimes I feel left out because we\u2019re always so careful about money when we\u2019re together. Can you tell me more about how you think about budgeting?\u201d<\/p>\n
This way, you\u2019re opening the door for him to explain the decisions he\u2019s making. His response will tell you a lot. If he\u2019s evasive and defensive, it leads me to wonder how much care (or lack thereof) he\u2019s exhibiting toward your relationship and your feelings. It\u2019s a major red flag if he refuses to see your POV. However, if he seems open to dialogue about how he could make some changes \u2014 even if it\u2019s just adding one fancy date night into the calendar per month or being willing to splurge a little more on your vacations \u2014 you\u2019re at a good starting point for building a foundation of honesty about this topic. It might even prompt him to examine his underlying motivations about what he\u2019s splurging on and why.<\/p>\n
If you can\u2019t see eye to eye on something like this, things will likely get harder once you eventually move in together and combine your finances (if those are things you want down the road). Set the precedent of communicating proactively before anyone develops a grudge \u2014 you need to make sure this is someone who is willing to hear your feedback and find a compromise.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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