Toxic Masculinity is a buzzy phrase that has been thrown around a lot recently, but based on the way it\u2019s used, many people still don\u2019t fully understand what it actually means. It refers to a mental state that men can enter when they feel their masculinity has been threatened, which can be harmful to both themselves and others. The truth is, feeling emasculated is a very real experience for many men, which can cause them to feel truly insecure in a relationships. The sensation of emasculation is a social construct in which a man\u2019s strength and worthiness is judged against society\u2019s idea of what it means to be a man. Young men in particular, are exposed to clear cut social norms from a very early age, which can cause their self-esteem to decline.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is now a shift in our cultural norms as it relates to the role of men in relationships,\u201d psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Gary Brown tells Bustle. \u201cThere is a phenomenon of role reversals in education and working in the professions. While this is good for society in general, some men increasingly feel devalued because of this development. They feel that they are \u2018less than\u2019 say what their fathers were.\u201d<\/p>\n
But while this shared experience is startling, it in no ways suggests that women should act differently in order to change their relationship. \u201cHow you feel about your identity as a man is influenced by your social conditioning growing up,\u201d Dr. Brown says. \u201cAs a society, we need to look at the growing problem of misandry, which not only hurts men, but is hurting women as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s what 18 men had to say about the times they have felt emasculated or insecure in a relationship, even over something silly.<\/p>\n
1Alfred, 23: When His Partner Compliments Another Guy<\/p>\n
\u201cComplimenting another dude. If someone\u2019s look is heightened for one reason or another, such as a fresh haircut, clean outfit, or they\u2019re just getting stronger or more fit, when my girlfriend compliments them, it can almost feel out of line.\u201d<\/p>\n
2Theo, 24: Being Too Emotionally Vulnerable<\/p>\n
\u201cBeing 100 percent when it comes to emotional transparency. I felt this one a lot in my last relationship. It really feels like there\u2019s a fine line between being 100 percent transparent about how you\u2019re feeling, and being left too vulnerable. It\u2019s tough, because you want to act in accordance, versus being a \u2018man\u2019: firm, unbothered, too cool etc. And what\u2019s tough is that it seems that some girls are looking for the former, while others are looking for the latter. So no matter how we act, we can\u2019t win!\u201d<\/p>\n
3Arjun, 22: A Partner Who Doesn\u2019t Appreciate His Cooking<\/p>\n
\u201cI really love to cook. When I tell women that I can cook, and start talking about the various dishes that I love, they always seem so surprised. I need a girlfriend who appreciates my cooking, instead of seeing it as \u2018cute\u2019 or \u2018quirky\u2019. It\u2019s a passion, not a party trick!\u201d<\/p>\n
4Robert, 23: Going Out To Eat By Himself<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate going out to eat by myself, which is why I always feel the need to bring a date. Usually there are couples out there dining, and it just feels awkward and sad eating by yourself. Sometimes I\u2019m just feeling lazy, and don\u2019t walk to cook for myself. I want a nice meal, without the insecurity!\u201d<\/p>\n
5Dadam, 21: Tickle Fights<\/p>\n
\u201cTickle fights make me feel emasculated. My girl seems to love them, and I love making her laugh and messing with her, but it does feel kind of embarrassing. Imagine if someone walked in and saw that! I don\u2019t know how I\u2019d explain myself. Not very manly.\u201d<\/p>\n
6Neil, 22: When His Partner Doesn\u2019t Listen<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate when I\u2019m talking to my girlfriend and I can just tell that she\u2019s not actually listening. It\u2019s as if she doesn\u2019t value my opinion or really care at all about what I have to say. It\u2019s so frustrating, as If I\u2019m there for no reason and my story or insight means nothing. It really bothers me.\u201d<\/p>\n
7James, 23: When He Can\u2019t Satisfy His Partner In Bed<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel like this is a little bit too much of an obvious one, but not being able to pleasure your woman during sex. All guys are insecure about this. It\u2019s just so hard to tell sometimes! \u2026 And nothing makes us feel more useless than being a bad lover, or the idea of being lousy at sex. We want it to feel good for her too!\u201d<\/p>\n
8Serge, 25: Being Around \u201cShredded\u201d Guys<\/p>\n
\u201cI only feel this sometimes, but obviously when you\u2019re surrounded by guys who all have six packs, and are just clearly so much more shredded than you, it\u2019s hard not to get in your head, and think, \u2018Damn, it would be nice to have that.\u2019 It\u2019s always sort of in the back of your mind, that insecurity that maybe your lady will leave you for a more ripped man.\u201d<\/p>\n
9Max, 22: Being Disrespected By A Younger Man<\/p>\n
\u201cHonestly, when a younger guy disrespects me in front of my girlfriend, that\u2019s what emasculates me the most. It is such a slap in the face, the idea that this naive dude who knows nothing would interrupt or challenge me. It pisses me off to no end, because it threatens my authority \u2014 my position as an \u2018elder\u2019, as a man.\u201d<\/p>\n
10Sami, 23: Going For The Salad Option At Dinner<\/p>\n
\u201cEating healthy is one thing. When I go out to eat for dinner with my girlfriend, and she starts chowing down on a burger and fries, or going for the burrito platter or something, I feel a little insecure ordering something green or generally eating healthy, even though what I really want is a salad. I don\u2019t want to seem less macho!\u201d<\/p>\n
11Adrian, 24: A Partner Who Is A Better Bowler<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen they\u2019re better than me at something like bowling, which doesn\u2019t even require that much skill but seems like more of a luck thing. It such a blow to my ego, but I don\u2019t want to seem dramatic or like a sore loser. So I just smile and pretend like I don\u2019t want to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
12Tom, 25: Not Taking Coffee Black<\/p>\n
\u201cWhenever I order coffee, and I\u2019m with my girlfriend, I always, without fail, have the more \u2018girly\u2019 order. I just can\u2019t drink coffee black, I need to put a ton of sugar and flavor and milk and stuff in there. But it\u2019s embarrassing because she can down an espresso like you wouldn\u2019t believe. So I always tell them the wrong name.\u201d<\/p>\n
13John, 22: Not Being The Can Opener Of The Relationship<\/p>\n
\u201cBeing unable to open something in front of her, like a soup can. And then when she tries, it magically just comes open, just like that. It makes me feel like I\u2019m not strong, or capable enough. It\u2019s so annoying because I\u2019m usually good at using tools, but I can never use a can opener properly, and then I feel like everyone thinks I\u2019m weak and lame. It\u2019s so stupid, but it\u2019s true!\u201d<\/p>\n
14Bill, 32: In-laws Who Pretend He Doesn\u2019t Exist<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel emasculated when I\u2019m with my wife at my in laws, at the dinner table and they completely ignore me and just ask my wife whether or not I want something to eat, or why I am not eating. Ignoring how strange the request is, it\u2019s as if I\u2019m not in the room! It makes me so mad, as if she\u2019s my keeper or speaks for me or something. And she never defends me or understands why it pisses me off.\u201d<\/p>\n
15Abdul, 37: Being Praised Just For His Good Cooking<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate when my wife wants to praise me and she can\u2019t find anything more to say than \u2018I am a good cook.\u2019 Like, OK \u2014 I am not a great artist or anything, but I have definitely done more in my life than learn how to cook. I know there\u2019s a bit of irony there because it is traditional gender role reversal, but it\u2019s as if she can\u2019t think of anything nice to say. I do more than work hard and cook dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n
16Charlie, 28: Being Reminded Of His Oedipal Complex<\/p>\n
\u201cShe doesn\u2019t say this much anymore, but my girlfriend always used to say this ridiculous and Freudian blanket statements to me, like \u2018all men want to marry their mothers.\u2019 What am I supposed to even say to that? \u2026 Is that supposed to make me feel good?\u201d<\/p>\n
17Phil, 26: Backhanded Comments From His Partner<\/p>\n
\u201cThis has been hard because, you have to admit to feeling insecure as a man to feel berated like this. But I hate when my girlfriend will use random personal criticism to gain leverage in an argument. And when you have a more equal relationship, its more unconscious too\u2026It\u2019s so manipulative. Little backhanded comments that you don\u2019t realize the real meaning of until hours later.\u201d<\/p>\n
18Holden, 23: Being Made To Feel Like A Granny Behind The Wheel<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen my girl tells me I\u2019m driving like a granny. It\u2019s not my fault \u2014 I\u2019d rather be a safe driver than a sorry driver! But I hate when she says that I\u2019m going way too slow, it makes me feel like I\u2019m not adventurous or risky enough or something.\u201d<\/p>\n
No matter what might make your partner feel emasculated or insecure in your relationship, remember: this is a reflection on the societal norms that were engrained in him from a young age, not your actions or the state of your relationship. Starting a conversation about is the first step in breaking social stereotypes and gender barriers, and an open, honest dialogue is the key to any healthy relationship. And if you ask me \u2014 any guy who says he doesn\u2019t sometimes enjoy being the little spoon is totally lying. It makes you feel safe, OK?!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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