But experts say that\u2019s not really why people have affairs. In fact, according to Dr. Joshua Klapow, PhD, a clinical psychologist, cheating is almost always more about emotions than sex. \u201cWhat drives the person to engage in the betrayal is the real reason for cheating,\u201d he tells Bustle.<\/p>\n
For example, someone might have an affair if they aren\u2019t feeling connected to, or getting validation from their partner. Should a friend or coworker come along who is willing to listen, it makes sense why that extra attention would seem appealing \u2014 and why the attraction could quickly escalate into an affair.<\/p>\n
While that isn\u2019t necessarily a comfort for folks who have been cheated on, it is important to look at situations like these from all angles, in order to create a stronger relationship. Here, women share why they cheated, and what the experience taught them \u2014 and experts delve into the multiple reasons why people cheat.<\/p>\n
1They\u2019re Avoiding Conflict
\nSometimes, when a relationship is riddled with conflict \u2014 or even when things aren\u2019t 100% easy for a short period of time \u2014 it can cause a person to panic and run into the arms of another.<\/p>\n
The affair isn\u2019t so much about sex at that point, as much as it is a way of avoiding problems. \u201cCheating allows them to escape,\u201d Klapow says. \u201cThey can be with a person where problems and conflicts don\u2019t exist, where they get respite, support, and validation.\u201d<\/p>\n
This was the case for Deonne, 40, who saw red flags in her relationship, but wasn\u2019t ready to face them. She says it felt like the best and easiest option, and that being with someone else \u201cfilled a void.\u201d<\/p>\n
2They Have Weak Boundaries
\nAs Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, a marriage counselor and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center, tells Bustle, if someone has \u201cweak boundaries,\u201d the chances of cheating go way up. He gives the example of a person getting too close to coworker, and how an affair could quickly unfold from there.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is natural for us to want to connect with those around us, and it\u2019s natural to want to take that to the next level \u2014 a romantic one \u2014 when emotional intimacy is growing,\u201d Bilek says. And yet, while friendships are obviously always OK, people with weak boundaries can\u2019t help but go overboard.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s why it\u2019s so important for couples to discuss the \u201crules\u201d of their relationship, including what is and isn\u2019t OK, as well as what counts as cheating. \u201cKeeping firm boundaries at work and in social situations is critical for maintaining fidelity in a relationship,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
3They Want To Save The Relationship
\nWhile it sounds weird, some people use cheating as \u201ca cry for help to save the relationship before they give up on it entirely,\u201d Bethany Ricciardi, a sex and relationship expertf tells Bustle.<\/p>\n
Yes, the cheater may go out and have sex. But that wasn\u2019t technically their main goal or interest, she says. Instead, the affair may be the cheating partner\u2019s (unhealthy) way of telling their significant other that they\u2019ve been unhappy, and want to get a conversation started.<\/p>\n
Again, this isn\u2019t the best way to approach a partner about where a relationship is headed, or what it needs to succeed. And yet it often works: Some couples do find that they\u2019re stronger after cheating, because the betrayal inspired them to communicate more, and work out their issues.<\/p>\n
4They Want To End The Relationship
\nOn the flip side, some folks turn to cheating as a way of breaking up with their partner. \u201cRather than come out and say that they want to end the relationship, the person cheats hoping that their partner will find out and break up with them,\u201d Emily Mendez, MS, EdS, a mental health expert, tells Bustle.<\/p>\n
They may secretly hope their partner sees illicit texts popping up on their phone, or starts to wonder why they\u2019re staying out so late at night and eventually asks what\u2019s up. It\u2019s obviously so much healthier (and kinder) to end things outright. But for those who struggle with direct communication, they might find themselves taking the cheating route, instead.<\/p>\n
5They Had An Abusive Past
\nRaina, 44, says the reason she cheated stemmed from an abusive childhood, which landed her in an abusive first marriage, and then in an unloving second marriage. Both times she cheated on her husband, first as a way of getting out of a toxic situation, and second as a way to continue on a path of self improvement.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had spent two years in therapy trying to get over past abuse,\u201d she tells Bustle. But her second husband wasn\u2019t listening to her needs, or helping her along the way. In fact, he was even encouraging her to stop taking helpful medication.<\/p>\n
Frustrated, when another man came along, she couldn\u2019t help but start an affair with him. \u201cHe gave me space, but also support,\u201d she says, which helped her feel confident enough to continue working through what she\u2019d been through in her past, and to seek out what she wanted for her future.<\/p>\n
\u201cToday, I am independent and strong. I don\u2019t feel the need to depend on a man. While I do regret hurting people, I can\u2019t regret either of my affairs. One gave me my children and the other gave me myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
6They Want To Boost Their Self-Esteem
\nNot everyone who lacks confidence will have an affair in order to feel better. But experts say this is yet another reason why someone might sneak around behind their partner\u2019s back.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen someone is feeling down about [themselves] the thrill of sex with a new\/forbidden person provides a temporary feeling of self-worth,\u201d Tracy K. Ross, LCSW, a couples therapist, tells Bustle. \u201cFor example if things aren\u2019t going well at work and [they] feel uncertain about [their] value, an outside lover can temporarily address that feeling.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nothing\u2019s better than positive attention, flirty texts, and the excitement of being wanted. So when someone is feeling bad about themselves, cheating becomes all the more tempting.<\/p>\n
7They\u2019re Lonely
\n\u201cThe majority of people who cheat are not fulfilled emotionally,\u201d Ellen Bolin, a certified professional relationship coach, tells Bustle, which explains why so many people turn to emotional affairs \u2014 which often lead to physical affairs \u2014 as a way of curing a sense of loneliness within a relationship.<\/p>\n
This is, of course, not the best way to solve the issue. Painful affairs can be avoided if couples speak up and let one another know when\/if they\u2019ve feeling neglected, unheard, or lonely.<\/p>\n
8They\u2019re Bored
\nIf someone is bored with their relationship, it makes sense why they might turn to cheating as a way of spicing things up for themselves. But experts say, more often than not, cheating is a choice made by those who are bored with their own life in general, and that has little to do with their partner.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a way to feel alive, special, seen by someone else,\u201d Ross says. \u201c[And] the sneaking around is often more exciting than the sex itself.\u201d In other words, having something to hide, and something that adds a bit of danger to their life, can give them the exciting story they\u2019re looking for.<\/p>\n
These reasons all make sense. But, as Deonne says, it\u2019s important to remember that \u201ccheating is a temporary fix to a deeper issue.\u201d<\/p>\n
9They\u2019re Seeking Revenge
\nCheating may also be an act of revenge, which can stem from anger \u2014 for any number of reasons. \u201cThe person may be frustrated in their relationship, or feel like their partner doesn\u2019t care, doesn\u2019t listen, doesn\u2019t support them,\u201d Klapow says. \u201cIn an act of defiance \u2014 but also avoidance of the problem at hand \u2014 the person cheats. So instead of directly confronting the problem, they avoid it and act out by cheating.\u201d And that\u2019s not cool.<\/p>\n
Knowing an affair isn\u2019t always all about sex won\u2019t make it any less painful for the person being cheated on, but it may help both members of a relationship understand why it happened in the first place. By talking about problems before they get out of hand \u2014 and making sure you\u2019re both fulfilled \u2014 an affair doesn\u2019t have to happen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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