Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments\u201d are some of the worst, especially since they\u2019re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you\u2019re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.<\/p>\n
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker\u2019s own insecurities, that doesn\u2019t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more \u2014 and may even damage your relationship.<\/p>\n
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. \u201cMore often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the \u2018compliment\u2019 a chance to defend or further explain their intent,\u201d Ezelle tells Bustle. \u201cYou want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone\u2019s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it\u2019s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off \u2014 or look for a new friend circle.<\/p>\n
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment \u201ccozy\u201d, you\u2019ll know exactly how to handle it.<\/p>\n
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”<\/p>\n
Why it\u2019s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cBecause I am fun!\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cI\u2019m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.\u201d<\/p>\n
2. \u201cYou Look So Great In That Photo. I Can\u2019t Even See Your Acne!\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They\u2019re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. \u201cIt would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,\u201d says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here\/now.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cThanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn\u2019t \u2018perfect.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cOmg, you look amazing!\u201d<\/p>\n
3. “I Didn\u2019t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cI worked really hard for this. Go me!\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cI was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!\u201d<\/p>\n
4. “You’re So Independent. It\u2019s No Wonder You Haven\u2019t Found Someone Yet.”
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cYup! And I\u2019ll know someone\u2019s right for me when they respect that.\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cIf you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone\u2019s going to fall immediately for your drive.\u201d<\/p>\n
5. “I Love How You Don\u2019t Care How You Come Across.”<\/p>\n
Why it\u2019s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you\u2019re too \u201cout there.\u201d Either that, or they\u2019re making a salty comment because they\u2019re envious of your laid-back attitude.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cYes! It\u2019s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cYou always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.\u201d<\/p>\n
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: The real translation may be, \u201cYour place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.\u201d Regardless of their intention, it\u2019s rude to make comments when you\u2019ve been invited into someone\u2019s private space.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cReally? What would you do differently?\u201d Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they\u2019re being mean.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cThanks for having me over!\u201d<\/p>\n
7. \u201cThat New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: They\u2019re right \u2014 your new \u2018do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they\u2019ve secretly disliked your hair.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cI\u2019m all about changing up my look. I\u2019ve loved all my hairstyles and this one\u2019s great, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cWait, this so, so good.\u201d<\/p>\n
8. “I Love How You\u2019ll Just Wear Anything.”
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you\u2019re already out, however, that\u2019s when it\u2019s officially rude \u2014 and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cIs that a hint? What\u2019s wrong with my outfit?\u201d You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they\u2019d like to offer some advice.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cHold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n
9. \u201cI Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: While it sounds like they\u2019re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn\u2019t be caught dead in anything similar.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cThanks, yea. I\u2019ve been feelin\u2019 myself lately. I\u2019m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they\u2019re back?\u201d This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your \u201cweird\u201d look is deliberate \u2014 and fashionable.<\/p>\n
What they could have said: \u201cUgh, I can\u2019t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
10. \u201cYou’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”<\/p>\n
Why it\u2019s backhanded: Great! You\u2019re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you\u2019re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cI don\u2019t always feel the need to be \u2018on\u2019 around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.\u201d You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.<\/p>\n
What they could have said: \u201cBestie, you\u2019re a shining star of wit and charm.\u201d<\/p>\n
11. \u201cYou Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive \u201ccomplimenting\u201d styles. On one end of the spectrum, they\u2019re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they\u2019re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that\u2019s not OK.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cWell, I\u2019m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, \u201cDid you do something different with your hair?\u201d<\/p>\n
12. “I Wish I Didn\u2019t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cOh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?\u201d This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they\u2019re overwhelmed.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cDo you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I\u2019ve been so stressed lately.\u201d<\/p>\n
13. \u201cYour Place Is So Cozy.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: Calling someone\u2019s apartment \u201ccozy\u201d is often code for \u201csuper tiny\u201d or even \u201cso tiny I don\u2019t understand how you live here.\u201d It\u2019s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode \u2014 or wants to live in one. It just isn\u2019t what you want to hear when you\u2019ve invited folks over for a housewarming.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cThank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cThanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.\u201d<\/p>\n
14. \u201cYou\u2019re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: You\u2019re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes \u2014 and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.<\/p>\n
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, \u201cThanks for the vote of confidence, pal.\u201d If you\u2019re too upset say, \u201cI just need someone to listen to me, if that\u2019s OK.\u201d Also, side note: If a certain friend isn\u2019t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cWhat you\u2019re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You\u2019re handling it so well, but it\u2019s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
15. \u201cYou Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.\u201d<\/p>\n
Why it\u2019s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging \u2014 or they simply might not realize why it\u2019s a rude thing to say.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cWait, what do I normally look like?\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cI need that blush. Where\u2019d you get it?\u201d<\/p>\n
16. \u201cYou Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn\u2019t Recognize You!\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It\u2019s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn\u2019t realize they\u2019re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it\u2019s never smart to comment on someone\u2019s appearance, especially if you don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on with their health or personal life.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cThanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.\u201d And leave it at that.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cThat color blue looks amazing on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
17. \u201cYou\u2019re So Chill In Your Relationship.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: \u201cIt may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,\u201d says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you\u2019re a doormat?<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cDo you feel like I\u2019m too chill?\u201d According to Spinella, it\u2019s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That\u2019ll open the door to a deeper convo.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you\u2019re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”<\/p>\n
18. \u201cYou Look Great For Your Age!\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: While this one\u2019s often said with the best of intentions, it\u2019s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. \u201cSometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,\u201d says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cI\u2019m sure you didn\u2019t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.\u201d Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cYou look great!\u201d<\/p>\n
19. \u201cYou\u2019re So Articulate.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, \u201cWow, I didn\u2019t expect you to be good at this.\u201d The \u201cyou\u2019re so articulate\u201d comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cWhat did I say that surprised you?\u201d Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, \u201cIt’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”<\/p>\n
20. \u201cYou\u2019re So Pretty. I Don\u2019t Get Why You\u2019re Still Single.\u201d<\/p>\n
Why it\u2019s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you\u2019re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won\u2019t feel good.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cHow are the two related?\u201dDepending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. \u201cYou can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,\u201d she tells Bustle. \u201cEveryone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cWe haven\u2019t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?\u201d<\/p>\n
21. \u201cI Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: \u201cThis may be an innocent comment,\u201d Spinella tells Bustle. \u201cBut it\u2019s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?\u201d<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d While it\u2019s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it\u2019s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cI love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?\u201d<\/p>\n
22. \u201cYou Look So Comfortable!\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: This isn\u2019t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it\u2019s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don\u2019t like your outfit or that they think it\u2019s inappropriate for a situation.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cThanks! I\u2019m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n
What they could have said instead: \u201cI love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”<\/p>\n
23. \u201cYou\u2019re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.\u201d
\nWhy it\u2019s backhanded: While it feels like they\u2019re complimenting your work ethic, what they\u2019re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one\u2019s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.<\/p>\n
How to respond: \u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments\u201d are some of the worst, especially<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11885,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11884","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11884","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11884"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11884\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11886,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11884\/revisions\/11886"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/11885"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11884"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11884"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11884"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}