It is interesting how the environment tends to become quiet around us as we get older; however, inside our heads there will be an awful lot of noise going on. Once you reach the age of 70, you do not necessarily reminisce about those \u201cgood old days\u201d; instead, you analyze your current state of affairs using a magnifying glass. You finally find yourself capable of making sense out of things \u2013 the fog disappears and everything becomes crystal clear. You know what you\u2019ve accomplished and what you have been through; therefore, no one has the right to ask you to perform or carry a burden of any sort.<\/p>\n
Many of us followed the \u201crules of should\u201d for decades. We should remain good friends with a person because we\u2019ve known each other since the Nixon era. We should not cause a rift in the family because family comes first. Also, we should oblige our neighbor whenever they call because they need help because it is the polite thing to do. However, at 70, you begin to realize that peace is more than just an idea, it becomes a necessity. You start to realize that to achieve peace, you might need to free yourself from certain ties.<\/p>\n
This is neither an act of becoming a bitter old person nor a grump. On the contrary, it is an act of self-respect. It is a conscious decision that life is too valuable to spend around people who make you feel worthless.<\/p>\n
The Constant Critics
\nWe\u2019ve all met those people with an innate talent for delivering backhanded compliments. You tell them about something you accomplished, and their response will always be something like \u201cOh, yeah\u2026 but\u2026\u201d You choose something for yourself, and they raise an eyebrow, \u201cWell, if you want it that way\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
At thirty or forty, you may feel like having enough energy to debate with them or persuade them. By seventy, this dance just gets too tiring. Life has taught you things; you know what is best for you, what you have won, and what you have lost in the process. To continue listening to a person who looks down upon you after such a long life of experience is pointless.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s plenty of psychological research that says chronic criticism wears us down, but you don\u2019t need a study to tell you that. Your body will tell you when the situation gets too much, you feel it in your shoulders. Today, your mental well-being is no less important than your blood pressure. If being around certain people always feels like you\u2019re on trial to get their stamp of approval, then it\u2019s probably high time you stopped inviting them around.<\/p>\n
The People Who Drain You of All Energy
\nAnd then, there are what we may refer to as \u201cenergy vampires.\u201d I\u2019m sure all of us have one in our circles of friends. We see their name flashing on our cell phones, and we find ourselves exhaling a deep breath just thinking about engaging in conversation with them because all they wish to talk about is their problems, pains, and grudges against life.<\/p>\n
Of course, we all like to support our loved ones in times of need. But the problem here is distinguishing between someone having a difficult phase in life and someone whose entire personality revolves around misery. Once you\u2019ve spent two hours listening to someone complain, you can never really make up for that lost time.<\/p>\n
The older we become, we find ourselves noticing that the time it takes to be energized again is longer than it used to be before. When we know that we have a limited number of good hours during the day, would you sacrifice three hours of it for a person who hasn\u2019t even bothered to check up on how you\u2019re doing? It\u2019s alright not to take part in everything. It\u2019s alright not to affect your mood by others.<\/p>\n
The \u201cOne-Way Street\u201d Relationships
\nThis is a harsh truth to come to terms with. You find yourself looking back on a relationship and thinking, \u201cif I stopped being the person making plans, taking care of transportation, and reaching out, this relationship would simply fizzle out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Our reluctance to abandon such relationships has much to do with the history behind it. \u201cBut we have been best friends since the 70s.\u201d However, the past should not dictate our current choices. If you find yourself having invested a lot more into your relationship than your friend, you must question the reasons behind it.<\/p>\n
Healthy friendships don\u2019t need to be perfectly balanced every day, but eventually there must be a give-and-take aspect to it. <\/p>\n
The Family Trap
\n Family is by far the most difficult element of this entire puzzle. There are so many \u201cshoulds\u201d around family: I should call. I should visit. I should suffer through poor treatment because, after all, they\u2019re \u201cfamily.\u201d<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s some tough love, however: Respect doesn\u2019t offer any family discounts. If your sister or cousin disrespects your thoughts, belittles you, or disregards your boundaries, it\u2019s even more painful than if she were a stranger. It doesn\u2019t matter how similar you may look or sound; if your family is making you miserable, it doesn\u2019t matter if you have the same surname.<\/p>\n
You aren\u2019t obligated to excommunicate family members, but there\u2019s nothing wrong with redefining your terms of service. You can decide not to discuss politics, religion, or other subjects; you can set boundaries that limit the amount of time you spend with family. Taking care of yourself around your relatives is not \u201cbetraying\u201d your family\u2014it\u2019s growing up.<\/p>\n
The Ghost of the Person You Once Were
\nThere are certain people who have a fascination with the \u201cold\u201d you. They are interested in discussing the failures that occurred in your thirties or what you used to be like before you got wiser. This keeps you firmly rooted in something that you left behind long ago.<\/p>\n
It is nice to look back sometimes but it is also draining being around a person who cannot see beyond what you used to be like. You have grown. You are different in many ways, having become softer in some respects and harder in others. How can you enjoy today when the people around you keep reminding you of your past?<\/p>\n
The people who are worth having around are those who are interested in the person you currently are and not who you once were decades ago.<\/p>\n
The \u201cCrowded Loneliness\u201d
\nThen, we have the lonely relationship \u2013 the one you have absolutely nothing in common with anymore. Here, you simply sit there, surrounded by a thick silence because you know you have absolutely nothing more to say to each other.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a particular kind of loneliness that occurs when you find yourself around the wrong kind of people; it is lonelier even than solitude. The reason why so many do not want to leave such empty relationships is due to the fear of a \u201cvoid,\u201d but the void is almost always better than the illusion of an \u201cus.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Relentless Conflict-Seeker
\nThere are some individuals who only feel truly alive when there is some sort of firefighting to do or when there is some sort of disagreement. It is all too easy for these individuals to make everything a debate and to turn even the smallest problem into something more serious.<\/p>\n
When you are thirty, you have enough energy to deal with these kinds of situations. When you are seventy, you simply tune them out. Most things that cause arguments are really not worth getting worked up about at the end of the day. When you find yourself being dragged into some conflict, whether it\u2019s personal or at the dinner table on Sundays, these people are actively taking away your peace.<\/p>\n
Why Selectivity is the Greatest Gift of Ageing
\nThere is even a psychological theory for this, called Socioemotional Selectivity Theory. Essentially, as young people, we seek \u201cinformation\u201d and \u201cpossibilities,\u201d and we talk to everybody. However, as we age and recognize that our days are numbered, we prioritize \u201cemotional meaning.\u201d<\/p>\n
We no longer seek to build a \u201cnetwork\u201d but seek to create a \u201chaven.\u201d<\/p>\n
This does not indicate that you are becoming \u201ccantankerous\u201d or \u201creclusive.\u201d On the contrary, it reflects a sense of purposefulness. In essence, it is the equivalent of decluttering your home from an emotional standpoint. You are evaluating every single relationship and asking yourself, \u201cDoes it bring me happiness?\u201d If the response is \u201cNo, it actually gives me a headache,\u201d you have every justification to discard it.<\/p>\n
Conclusion
\nMoving away from relationships after the age of 70 does not require any elaborate farewell speeches. There is no need for sending a resignation letter. The process typically involves a gradual fade-out rather than an abrupt cut-off. This involves the decision to stop calling and texting, apologizing for things one did not do, and making appearances for people who would not do anything similar for them.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s all about recognition. One recognizes their independence and realizes that they cannot exist as someone else\u2019s whipping post, personal psychologist, or reserve force.<\/p>\n
Once you get rid of the \u201cwrong\u201d individuals, you will finally have enough strength to breathe and enjoy some quality time with those who genuinely make you smile, listen to you, and give you their attention. Isn\u2019t that what you deserve after living through seventy years?<\/p>\n
Caring for your own inner peace does not amount to rejection but self-care. It may very well be one of the most important steps you take at this stage of your life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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