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<\/p>\nPeople get divorced for all kinds of different reasons. More often than not, it\u2019s the little things that add up and lead to the decline of the relationship. According to experts, most couples that get divorced have a few silent relationship killers in common.<\/p>\n
According to Dr. John Gottman, couples are pretty much doomed to fail if they have any of the following four traits: stonewalling, sarcasm, contempt, and criticism. He called these \u201cThe Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.\u201d Out of the four, Gottman identified contempt as the number one predictor of divorce.<\/p>\n
While licensed professional counselor E.J. Smith tells Bustle that the other three \u201chorsemen\u201d can also be problematic, contempt is by far the most damaging. \u201cWhen people start to look at their spouse with contempt or resentment, it colors the lens through which we see, observe, and interpret our spouse,\u201d Smith says. \u201cIts presence undermines the desire to continue to work at our relationships. Even gestures and behaviors that could be seen as positive can be twisted in such a way that they\u2019re seen as negative.\u201d<\/p>\n
Unlike major things like cheating, these types of relationship ruiners aren\u2019t easy to spot. It\u2019s important to be aware of them before it\u2019s too late to do anything about it. So here are some silent relationship killers that almost always leads to divorce, according to experts.<\/p>\n
1
\nConflict Avoidance<\/p>\n
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Most people try to avoid conflict because it\u2019s uncomfortable. However, Connie Omari Ph.D., clinician, and owner of Tech Talk Therapy, tells Bustle, \u201cAvoiding conflict is a silent relationship killer because it prevents the opportunity for addressing conflict to take place.\u201d When you aren\u2019t addressing conflicts, you\u2019re allowing the negativity to fester. The important thing here is to learn how to deal with conflict in the right way. \u201cNot learning these skills is a sure way kill your relationship silently,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
2
\nInvalidating Emotions<\/p>\n
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This is a tough one to avoid because it sometimes happens without you realizing it. For instance, if your partner says they\u2019re cold but you aren\u2019t, it\u2019s easy to say, \u201cIt\u2019s not that cold\u201d without thinking anything of it. But little offhanded remarks like this can add up. As Omari says, you may not mean to be offensive, but if your partner sees it that way, it\u2019s going to be a problem.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen a person feels invalidated, they often feel disconnected and unheard,\u201d she says. \u201cThese two characteristics combined will definitely work to deteriorate a relationship quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n
3
\nUnresolved Trauma<\/p>\n
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Everyone enters into a relationship with baggage. But failing to deal with baggage or past trauma can hurt your relationship without you realizing it. \u201cWhen a person suffers from trauma that remains unresolved, they\u2019re often incapable of living their lives without responding to some form of triggers related to that trauma,\u201d Omari says. For instance, if you\u2019ve been cheated on in the past, your partner going away for a work trip might cause you to become worried, anxious, and insecure. So instead of letting your partner do their own thing, you\u2019ll feel the need to check up on them and stay in constant contact. Dealing with past trauma isn\u2019t always easy to do by yourself. Therapy can be helpful in this case.<\/p>\n
4
\nResentment<\/p>\n
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\u201cUnhealed resentments in a relationship can be a death knoll for a breakup,\u201d Christine Scott-Hudson, licensed psychotherapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle. Resentment can show in many different forms. Your partner may keep bringing up the past, they may be passive aggressive, sarcastic, or snarky about certain topics. When there\u2019s resentment in the relationship, it usually means there\u2019s not enough open and honest communication. If you\u2019re going to make your marriage last, communication is essential.<\/p>\n
5
\nWhite Lies About Money<\/p>\n
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As a divorce lawyer, Russell D. Knight tells Bustle that divorces are caused by financial issues more than anything else. \u201cMany couples keep their finances separate,\u201d he says. \u201cNot surprisingly, this does not bring couples closer together.\u201d If one person is a spender and the other is a saver, you\u2019re going to have fights. When one person hides their finances and the other finds out, it\u2019s going to lead to trust issues. If your marriage is going to work, being on the same page financially from day one will help you avoid seeking out a divorce attorney.<\/p>\n
6
\nStonewalling<\/p>\n
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Stonewalling is another one of Gottman\u2019s \u201cFour Horsemen of the Apocalypse.\u201d According to licensed professional counselor Dr. LaWanda N. Evans, stonewalling happens when a person withdraws or shuts down during a conversation or argument. \u201cThey emotionally or mentally close themselves off from their partner due to being physiologically flooded or agitated to the point where they can\u2019t discuss an issue respectfully,\u201d Evans says. You can\u2019t solve problems when one person isn\u2019t making an effort to do so.<\/p>\n
7
\nChange<\/p>\n
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Ideally, you and your partner will continue to grow together as time goes on. But that isn\u2019t always the case. Some people change and find out they\u2019ve outgrown their partner or the relationship. Divorce attorney Melissa Fecak, Esq. tells Bustle that she sees this a lot with older couples who are retired. \u201cWhen they were working, the differences that developed were harder to detect,\u201d she says. \u201cNow that the distractions from the relationship are no longer present, it becomes more apparent that they don\u2019t have as much in common as they once thought or they changed their opinions on how they want to handle things moving forward.\u201d Change is inevitable. If both partners aren\u2019t changing and moving forward in the same direction, it\u2019s not going to work.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s important to pay close attention to these relationship killers because they start off pretty subtly. Chances are, you won\u2019t even realize these are doing any harm until you find yourself with nothing but negative feelings toward your partner. Being mindful of these subtle things can help you avoid divorce.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
People get divorced for all kinds of different reasons. More often than not, it\u2019s the little things that add up and lead to the decline<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":10710,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10702","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10702","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10702"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10702\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10711,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10702\/revisions\/10711"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/10710"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10702"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10702"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storieshub.xyz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10702"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}