Being in love can make you see your partner through rose-colored glasses; it\u2019s easy to overlook someone\u2019s negative qualities when you\u2019re head over heels for them. No relationship is perfect, and we all have to make compromises. But when things do go wrong in a relationship, people often blame themselves, which can make it easy to overlook warning signs that your partner may not love you the way you deserve.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople minimize or downplay how hurt they are by things, how ignored they feel, how neglected or undervalued they feel,\u201d Nicole Richardson, licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. \u201cThey might not understand the depth of their feelings or be able to put words to it […] people a lot of times don\u2019t know how to have conflict constructively, so they shut down and stop talking all together. That\u2019s a great recipe for disaster.\u201d<\/p>\n
This lack of communication is one main reason Richardson sees relationships break down. Without communication, it\u2019s difficult for couples to get to the root of the problem, and move forward. But a break down doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you have to break up. If you find your partner doesn\u2019t love you the way you deserve, there are ways to mend a relationship.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re struggling in your relationship, look for some of these warning signs to see if you need to re-evaluate things with your partner.<\/p>\n
1
\nYour Fights Are Repetitive<\/p>\n
If you feel like you\u2019re having the same fight over and over again, it\u2019s because you probably are. When fights become repetitive and no solutions are reached, it can be a sign you and your partner are not willing to compromise on some serious topics.<\/p>\n
\u201cArguments are OK \u2014 but arguments that repeat themselves, that happen over and over with no resolution become a toxic drain on the relationship,\u201d Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and Kurre & Klapow Radio Show co-host, tells Bustle.<\/p>\n
If you find yourself having the same argument over and over again with your partner, you may want to try couples therapy to get to the root of your problems.<\/p>\n
2
\nArguments Become Personal<\/p>\n
Arguing in a relationship isn\u2019t always bad, in fact it\u2019s normal. But when your partner cannot separate you as a person from your mistakes, and uses fights as an excuse to degrade you, it might be time to let them go.<\/p>\n
\u201cArguments that go from behaviors and actions that one partner doesn\u2019t like to characteristics about the partner that they don\u2019t like is not a good sign,\u201d Dr. Klapow says. \u201cWhen it moves from \u2018I don\u2019t like what you are doing\u2019 to \u2018I don\u2019t like you\u2019 there are problems. Try to focus on your partner\u2019s actions versus who they are as a person. Personal attacks have no benefit, do not resolve arguments, and can lead to divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n
3
\nYou Never Fight<\/p>\n
It might seem like a relief that you\u2019ve found a partner you don\u2019t argue with. But never fighting is not healthy, and it could be a sign of lack of commitment on a long-term level.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s hard to fight. If [you’re] not super committed to [your partner], and [they] do something that\u2019s grating [your] nerves and pissing [you] off, [you’re] not going to invest the energy in discussing this with [your partner] because why bother?\u201d Richardson says.<\/p>\n
Ignoring your problems instead of addressing them will eventually drive a wedge between you and your partner. Richardson recommends addressing your problems, or questioning why you may not feel your relationship is worth that energy.<\/p>\n
4
\nThey Don\u2019t Trust You With Small Things<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not just a lack of trust when it comes to fidelity that is a problem. If a partner doesn\u2019t trust you with little things, like to be on time for a date, it might be a sign of deeper insecurities.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you or your partner do not trust each other the relationship is doomed,\u201d Dr. Klapow says. \u201cTrust can be on any topic \u2014 not only infidelity. Trust that they will be on time, that they will spend money wisely, that they care about you, that they will be emotionally available in crisis situations. All of these are paramount to the success of a relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
5
\nThey Ask You To Change Your Habits<\/p>\n
We all have things that make us tick, loud chewers, people who clap when the plane lands. But if your partner starts telling you to change little things about yourself, it\u2019s often a sign of deeper, toxic insecurity.<\/p>\n
\u201c[It\u2019s a problem if] your partner asks you to change the way you eat, talk, interact, spend time, or look,\u201d Dr. Klapow says. \u201cThey are looking for a change because they know deep down that the relationship could be over.\u201d<\/p>\n
If your partner continually asks you to change yourself to better suit them, confront them about it, or consider leaving the relationship.<\/p>\n
6
\nYour Partner Seems A Bit Too Independent<\/p>\n
You and your partner don\u2019t need to spend every waking minute together, but if your partner seems to start scheduling their life without ever checking in with you, it might be sign that they\u2019re not fully committed to your relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201c[It could be a problem if] they seem to schedule their life differently,\u201d Dr. Klapow says. \u201cThey are happy, they are nice, but they seem to now never be around. It may be more work, more time with friends, but their schedule seems to include everyone but you. This is not a sign of cheating per se, but really a sign that they may be wanting to be connected to others and other activities more than you.\u201d<\/p>\n
7
\nThey Never Slip Up<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not easy to recognize a serial dater \u2014 that\u2019s why they\u2019re so good at what they do. But if your partner seems rom-com montage perfect, it may be a sign they have had a bit too much practice.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen your date is not at all nervous, awkward and never at a loss for words; it can be impressive,” Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and author, tells Bustle. “A polished approach is very attractive and pleasant, but there could be a down side. It may indicate a \u2018professional dater\u2019 who\u2019s been single a long time, dated a lot, and is highly practiced. If your date seems very slick, and enthusiastic, but doesn\u2019t open up, has had many short relationships, or shies away from discussing personal details, don\u2019t be too trusting.\u201d<\/p>\n
8
\nThey Don\u2019t Ask, They Tell<\/p>\n
It can be nice when your partner steps up to make plans, but when your partner needs things to be done a certain way, or tells you what to do, it\u2019s often a sign of deeper insecurity and potentially abuse.<\/p>\n
\u201cA date who has it all together, makes the arrangements, can\u2019t wait to see you again, phones frequently, is intense and persuasive, always knows what [they want] to do, and arranges things to perfection often feels very good, at first,\u201d Tessina says. \u201c[…] Jealousy can be flattering, especially if your date wants to be exclusive right away, but it may be emotional instability, and become a chronic lack of trust and suspicion.\u201d<\/p>\n
Although this isn\u2019t always the case, Tessina reminds us to be aware of the signs of emotional blackmail \u2014 not taking “no” for an answer, shooting down your ideas, pressuring you to do what they want, and using threatening or coercing tactics like threatening to end the relationship, crying, or rage.<\/p>\n
9
\nThey\u2019re Possessive<\/p>\n
Jealousy is often portrayed as a positive in relationships \u2014 it shows that your partner cares. But jealousy often isn\u2019t a sign of a healthy relationship, it\u2019s a sign of insecurity.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnger, control, and possessiveness are all warning signs that your date may have a control issue,\u201d Tessina says. \u201c[…] Until you know who you\u2019re dealing with, be careful you\u2019re not just being used. […] Users are often narcissistic, and really incapable of empathizing with you or recognizing your rights, needs and wants.\u201d<\/p>\n
10
\nThey Have Negative Things To Say About Their Exes<\/p>\n
If your partner only has negative things to say about their exes, it might be a sign that they have not learned from their mistakes in past relationships, and will blame you for relationship failures in the future.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your date\u2019s past relationships were […] always at fault and your date takes no responsibility, you could be the next one on that list,\u201d Tessina says. \u201cEvery relationship disaster takes two. A healthy person does make mistakes, and people in relationships can grow apart, but your date should know what [they] could have done better.\u201d<\/p>\n
11
\nThey\u2019re Constantly On Their Phone<\/p>\n
Cell phones have become such an integral part of our lives, it can be hard to know when to put it away. As a general rule, if you are on a date or with your partner, you are there to spend time with that person, not text other people.<\/p>\n
\u201cRudeness says your [partner] doesn\u2019t respect you enough to give you undivided attention. The most modern excuse for rudeness is the cell phone,” Tessina says. \u201cUsing a cell phone at the dinner table, or leaving repeatedly to answer calls is rude.”<\/p>\n
It’s best to address your partner’s constant cell phone use immediately if it bother’s you. If you are the one who simply has to be available during a time together, like for work or family, Tessina recommends letting your partner know first.<\/p>\n
12
\nThey Want To Spend All Their Time With You<\/p>\n
It\u2019s flattering when your partner thinks enough about you to make special plans, but if it becomes a constant need to spend time with you, it could be a gateway to emotional abuse.<\/p>\n
\u201cBeware if your [partner] has no one in [their] life but you,\u201d Tessina says. \u201cA healthy person has an active social life. […] It may mean your [partner] has problems relating to people, and you\u2019ll soon feel pressure to desert your own friends and fill up your date\u2019s life.\u201d<\/p>\n
If your partner starts pressuring you to ditch your friends and spend all your time with them, set boundaries with them, or consider leaving the relationship if they become too possesive.<\/p>\n
13
\nYou Feel Anxious Around Your Partner And You Don\u2019t Know Why<\/p>\n
Our bodies have a knack at signaling when things aren\u2019t right. If your partner makes you nervous or stressed, there\u2019s probably a reason for that.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were born with the ability to \u2018feel\u2019 another person emotionally,\u201d Tessina says. \u201cIf your feelings are at odds with your thoughts about the person you are with, your body\u2019s reactions could be wiser than your thinking. Feeling tense, stressed or physically uncomfortable, intimidated, frightened, uneasy, or inexplicably angry, means your body is trying to tell you something. Honor these feelings, be cautious and go slowly.\u201d<\/p>\n
14
\nThey Won\u2019t Talk About Their Friends Or Exes<\/p>\n
If your partner refuses to talk about their past relationships, it may be because they know they were in the wrong and are trying to hide it. Similarly, if they don\u2019t want to introduce you to their friends or family, it may be because they\u2019re trying to hide you from them.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf your [partner] is reluctant to give a home phone number, or won\u2019t introduce you to friends, or has very little time for you, [they] might have something to hide,\u201d Tessina says. \u201cSomeone who won\u2019t talk about past relationships, or seems too positive and rosy to be real, may have had a number of relationship disasters.\u201d<\/p>\n
15
\nThey Tell You To \u201cDo What You Want\u201d<\/p>\n
Even if they don\u2019t use those exact words, a “do whatever you want” attitude may signal indifference toward you and your relationship.<\/p>\n
“The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference,” Richardson says. “Indifference can be after a lot of hurt, or just realizing that this isn\u2019t your person […] The person who\u2019s in that place can blame themselves, because their partner hasn\u2019t done anything wrong, and that\u2019s confusing.\u201d<\/p>\n
16
\nThey Talk About Their Future…But Forget to Include You In It<\/p>\n
If your partner doesn\u2019t talk about the future, or talks about their future and doesn\u2019t mention you, that\u2019s a sign they might not see staying with you in the long-run.<\/p>\n
\u201cLack of commitment looks like not wanting to commit to future plans, or not talking about future dreams,\u201d Richardson says. \u201cIf your partner is committed, they\u2019re going to include you in future plans, not just next week, but in future fantasies. If somebody\u2019s not sure about the commitment they\u2019re making they\u2019re going to have a really hard time projecting you into their future.\u201d<\/p>\n
To begin to mend relationships, Richardson recommends catching your partner doing something right, and trying to be more empathetic to their needs. \u201cIf you want your partner to know that they are valuable, tell them. Say it out loud, don\u2019t just think it,\u201d she says. For further help and relationship counseling, seek a professional.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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